Donald Trump went to his happy place.
“I won the debate. It’s true. So many people tell me I won the debate. JD, Viktor Orban and Abdul from Afghanistan, all tell me I won the debate. Even though the moderators called me out nearly every time I lied, I still won. Even though Kamala Biden was given all the information before the debate, I still won. She was told where the debate would be, what time the debate was starting, who the moderators would be, eggcetera, eggcetera and I still won the debate. A lot of people ask me, they say sir, why are you a such a big fat racist? It’s true. They ask that all the time. What a mean thing to ask. I’m not big. I tell them, I can’t be a racist because some of my best friends are Oompa Loompas. I know the best Oompa Loompas. I like millionaire men of all color like Leon Musk, Tucker Carlson, Hannibal Lecter, Dana White, Dana White again, Hulk Hogan, Piers Morgan, Dean Cain and Marjorie Taylor Greene. I like Dana White twice because he has a great sirname and I can’t be fat because Alina Habba doesn’t like fat people. They wanted to give me an award for the best dressed, twice impeached, convicted felon and former president but I don’t have the time. Trying to convince people that I am not super weird, takes up a lot of time. I have the best time. It’s true. Has anyone heard of fish? They live in the seas. My favorite c’s are corporations, cartoons, and china. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what is bitcoin? It’s true. I tell them the elekshun was stolen and bitcoin is the same as a normal coin but not the full coin, just a bit of it. It’s a sad world. It’s true. My son, Barron The Tall wanted to go to Trump University but it doesn’t exist anymore. I defrauded thousands of people a few years ago and somehow I’m the one in the wrong. Talking of defrauding, can you send me money? I’m sure I’m the victim of something this week. You know how it works. I say elekshun inferterence a few times and claim to be the victim. I send the email and you send the money. Oh, I know, how about I need the money to build a wall? No, wait, I already did that one. What about I need the money to build a gate? I don’t think we’ve done that one yet so we’ll go with that. I have the best gates. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, who is the best Batman and I tell them “I’m Batman.” It’s true, I’m Batman. I have the best bats. When I become the king again, there will be a serious investigation into Apple. They are releasing more new phones but not one single apple. It’s true, not a single apple and their TV is not even green. Prepare for tariffs on apples. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, are you the only one who has the best ideas. It’s true and I tell them, yes, I am the only one who has the best ideas but that doesn’t mean I can’t steal other ideas. Ideas are like the music I play to my cult followers. They are not copyrighted. Has anyone heard of space ships? Space ships are arriving at our borders full of illegal alians. The illegal alians are coming into our country in the billions and even more than billions. They are coming into Springfield in the brazillians. It’s true. Here’s something my huge brain realized all by itself. If you look, if you really look at the word “brazillians,” it has “alians” in it. It’s true. The alians are from a planet called Hatey. They are flooding into our country in the brazillians and eating all the cats and dogs. The childless cat ladies need their cats. Without the cats, the childless cat ladies are just childless ladies and JD no have time for that. Kamala Biden is paying the brazillians of alians to come to our country and eat all the cats and dogs. Hannibal Lecter needs to have Kamala Biden over for dinner. I love the people of Springfield but somebody has to stop the alians form Hatey from eating the cats and dogs. I love Homer and Marge and Bart and Lisa but my favorite is Krusty The Clown. A lot of people call me a clown. It’s true. I take it as a compliment. I know the best clowns. Santa’s Little Helper better hide and hide fast and Snowball too. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, how hard do you work? They ask how hard I work and I tell them I work as hard as Wuddy Wuddpeckers head. It’s true. Hating isn’t easy and knowing who to hate most takes a lot of thyme. You start with “hate” and then choose a country, planet or people to hate. Let’s go with Hatey. You then need to blame the Hateshuns on something. Eating the pets in Springfield is attention grabbing so we’ll go with that. Next you need an event, preferably a live TV show with a massive audience like the presidential debate to decide who will become the next king. In the middle of the debate, when they least expect it, you say something like “the illegal alians from Hatey are eating the cats and dogs and geese and McDonald’s in Springfield.” Some people might not believe it at first so you then play your Trump card. I have the best cards. You tell them you know it’s true and can prove it because you seen it on Twitter. If it’s on Twitter, it has to be true. Dems the rules. If that doesn’t work, tell them Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield told you it was true. When I become king, I will deport all the Hateshuns. We must protect the pets. If you have a “H” in your name and are in Springfield, you are getting out of our country. I will send you to Russia. The Russian king will give you a job in the army and I will probably be happy with that. Kamala Biden is trying to remove all the happy little elf’s from the shelves. If she becomes king, she will change Christmas day to Kamala Biden Day and try convince you that Hannibal Lecter isn’t real and remove the lyrics from all the songs and make bread out of drugs and teach the kids about history. It’s true. Won’t someone please think about the history? Fire is hot. Is McDonald’s open yet? If I was on a dessert island, I would eat all the desserts. My favorite Mexican is Speedy Gonzales. A lot of people call me the aunty christ. It’s true, I am the best aunty. If anybody is in a minority and haven’t been attacked by me or JD lately, let me know asap and we will sort it. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what is your favorite conspiracy theory? It’s true. It’s not an easy question because there are so many but I do like the one where John Wick is offered the red pill and the blue pill and he takes the red one and Kamala Biden loses the elekshun. She wants to ban abortions after 196 months. All these gag orders are nothing but elekshun intreference. Our country is going down the drains. Do I look like someone who knows how to keep his mouth shut? If they want me to shut up, they need to distract me. Tell me how great I am or let me meet Itchy and Scratchy or ask me to divide 7 by 9. Has anyone heard of Laura Loomer? She’s not a far right conspiracy theorist at all. She didn’t say “the White House will smell like curry and the speeches will be facilitated by a call center,” if Kamala Biden becomes king. She didn’t say “the 9/11 attacks were an inside job by the US government” so I brought her with me to a 9/11 event in Pennsylvania. I don’t really know her but Matt Gaetz vouches for her so that’s good enough for me. Under Kamala Biden, the price of gas will go up 87 million %. It’s true and wait until you see how much it costs to fill your private jet. Thank you very much. Orange is the new black”.
To be cont…
Hannibal Lecter fans will eat this up.
Have you been writing his speeches all along?
The word on the street is that Hannibal Lecter is into finger foods.
This nonsense writes itself.