Condemning the civil unrest and crime epidemic afflicting the Windy City, President Donald J. Trump announced on Sunday that “we can’t afford to spare any Tomahawk missiles for Ukraine. We must have them ready to subdue Chicago. That freakin’ city is more trouble than it’s worth. It’s time to apply some world-class whoop-ass to that dumpster fire of a metropolis.”
The Associated Press reports that a Navy destroyer, the USS Ross, arrived in Lake Michigan on Saturday with Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth on board.
“I can’t wait to get this party started,” said Hegseth. “They’re going to let me push the launch button! I haven’t been this aroused since I saw Pam Bondi eating a fish stick dipped in tartar sauce at a Cabinet reception in September!”