Catholics around the world were stunned on Sunday when sports super-agent Scott Boras announced that his newest client, Pope Leo XIV, had used the Ecclesiastical Transfer Portal to move from the Roman Catholic Church to The Episcopal Church, where he will begin serving a 5-year term as Presiding Bishop and Primate on June 1st.
“Pope Leo did not reach this decision easily,” said Boras. “But he was extremely uncomfortable with all the hoopla that followed his Papal election: the jokes about him being ‘Da Pope’ from Chicago; the question of whether he was a Cubs or White Sox fan; investigations into his pizza preferences — deep dish or thin crust. Lorne Michaels even asked him to host the season finale of Saturday Night Live, for Pete’s sake.
“Robert Francis Prevost is a private man who shuns the spotlight. And a Pope is always in the spotlight. So, he seized an opportunity to become the leader of The Episcopal Church. In that role he will be able to work in relative obscurity, since virtually no one cares what The Episcopal Church does, and that includes most Episcopalians.
“It will also allow Bob to get married. As he said to me last night, ‘I’ll finally be able to make an honest woman of Julia Roberts’. And as his agent, I wish them the best.”