If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2014
“I don’t give a fuck” is a weird expression.
You’re basically saying, “I don’t care enough about this matter to stick my penis in it."
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2014
One kid kept me up until 3 and the other woke me up at 7.
They’re finally working together.
Avenge my death.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2014
2-year-old: I don’t like cows.
Me: Why not?
2: They say “moo.”
Those bastards.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2014
*buys a cell phone with the freedom to go anywhere*
*spends entire life tethered by a three foot cord to an outlet*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/19/14: pic.twitter.com/ENJ0ymDNaX
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) December 15, 2014