Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Stephen King, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Stephen King is the most banned author in US schools, PEN report says
… Not totally fair, there have been years Stephen wrote all the books.
Former Rep. George Santos sentence commuted
… Which will give him plenty of time to practice defending his Wimbledon Singles Title.
U.S. Coast Guard operation run in California seizes 100,000 pounds of cocaine
Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, October.
Legal experts sound off after Trump threatens to sue ABC
I have to admit, Trump’s doing the impossible; he’s getting people to watch network TV.
Shohei Ohtani’s legendary night leads Los Angeles Dodgers to another World Series, sweeping Milwaukee in 4 games
Ohtani is Japanese for Babe Ruth.
Scientists make stunning discovery hidden beneath massive glaciers
So, that’s where they put the Epstein files!
Supreme Court rejects Alex Jones’ appeal of $1.4 billion defamation judgment in Sandy Hook shooting
In fairness, you could argue he lacks any character to defame.
Charging gorilla breaks enclosure glass at San Diego Zoo
So, they only accept cash…?
Happy belated 70th birthday, Yo Yo Ma
Think how different your life would be if your name was Yo Ma Ma.
‘No Kings’ rally in downtown Chicago draws more than 100,000 protesters: ‘You fight for the people’
Y’know it definitely wasn’t planned by the White Sox ‘cuz those guys can’t get anyone out.
Prince Andrew has relinquished his royal title
… Breaking his dream of ever becoming King Smut.
Hollywood’s quirky leading lady, Diane Keaton, dies at age 79
I once carried Diane Keaton’s shopping bags home … Thought at first, lady, go easy on Annie Hall look. Then, I was like holy Toledo it’s Annie Hall … So nice, and a great tipper … Another Zelig moment … La de da.
Diabetics: Do this one thing before eating sugar
Uh, estate planning?
Sean Penn makes bold political declaration after Charlie Kirk’s death
Could someone tell me what Jon Voight thinks so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either.