Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Country music legend, Billy Don Burns, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Country music legend Billy Don Burns hospitalized after stabbing himself after mixing cocaine, whiskey
If his wife then up and left him and his dog died, that’s what’s known in Country Music as a double album.
Triple polar vortex to plunge central and eastern U.S. into Arctic cold through mid-December
In fact, I hear it’s so cold that people are going to strip joints just to catch an extra layer of clothing.
Bill Belichick’s girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, flaunts toned physique while showing off new $100K Mercedes
So, Bill got her something nice for passing Driver’s Ed.
National parks cut free entry for MLK Day, add Trump’s birthday
Looks like they got the No Kings thing backwards.
Prada finalizes purchase of fashion rival Versace for $1.4 billion
Or, three purses, a bottle of Eau De Toilette spray, and a couple of off the rack dresses …
Whisky was recalled in Finland because it has a type of antifreeze in it
If you drink too much, you get sent to AAA instead of AA.
Actress Dasha Nekrasova fired by Gersh, dropped from movie amid backlash over podcast interview with far-right political commentator Nick Fuentes
… Although, they will be teaming up to host, ‘The Amazing White Race.’
Elon Musk says he warned Trump against tariffs, which U.S. manufacturers blame for a turn to more offshoring and diminishing American factory jobs
In fairness, he also told him stand behind a Tesla on autopilot … totally safe.
Steve Cropper, legendary guitarist for Booker T & the MGs has died
… Leaving behind just Booker T and an MG.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ lawyers send cease-and-desist to Netflix
I’m stunned, stunned they reached an actual real person at Netflix
Man who used McDonald’s McChicken Sandwich as weapon against pregnant wife is arrested
Ironically, he confessed after he was grilled.
Woman had 27 contact lenses removed during surgery
Guessing she had them put in at Costco.
Researchers at Duke figure out a way to stop mice from getting dementia
Well, at least until they finish paying off their student loans.
With pharaoh-fanfare, Egypt unveils a huge new museum dedicated to its ancient civilization
… And the world’s first pyramid scheme.