“The world no longer needs to fear Iran,” announced President Donald J. Trump at a Wednesday press conference. “The B-2 bombers we deployed on Sunday destroyed virtually every microwave oven in that wretched dustbin of a country. It’s ‘game over’ for Iran as a threat to anyone. They couldn’t damage your kids’ LEGO fort. God bless America.”
When a reporter asked the President why the U. S. targeted Iran’s kitchen appliances rather than its nuclear facilities, he responded, “we had originally planned to attack Fordrow, Natanz, and Isfahan, but at the last minute Robert F. Kennedy Jr. convinced Pete Hegseth that the real threat posed by Iran was embedded in its defective microwave ovens, which leak gamma rays that cause autism, measles, COVID, and Lyme disease. I trust both of these guys — they’re top-notch, believe me — so we decided to wipe out the microwaves.
“The bombers did a fabulous job, just fabulous. I’m so proud of the pilots. They flew all the way from Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri, did you know that? I love Missouri — such a great state. Have you ever gone to Adam’s Smokehouse in St. Louis? Their BBQ is incredible. Your hands will be sticky for days. Here, look at the size of my hands. Melania calls them ‘The Maulers’. They’re terrific hands. I love them. Everybody does.”