In a stunning decision, President Donald J. Trump has removed James Madison University and Tulane from this year’s College Football Playoffs, replacing them with Notre Dame and Texas. The President insisted that “there is nothing in the U. S. Constitution that prohibits me from doing this. Hell, the College Football Playoffs aren’t even mentioned in the Constitution.
“In taking this action I am correcting two serious oversights by the Selection Committee: Texas deserves to be included because its Governor, Greg Abbott, is a close friend of mine — what a dear, dear man — and, of course, Notre Dame has gotta be there because you don’t want to piss off the Pope. Leo XIV is a stand-up guy. Did you know that he dated a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader when he was a seminary student?”
Trump was unapologetic about dumping James Madison and Tulane: “James Madison was one of our worst Presidents. Name one good thing he ever did. You can’t, because he didn’t. And Tulane? A school in New Orleans? Give me a break. When Hurricane Katrina hit that dumpster fire of a city in 2005, its entire population bent over and said ‘DO ME’ to the storm. Where’s the toughness that would make that town deserving of a spot in the playoffs? I don’t see it.”