Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Candace Cameron Bure, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Candace Cameron Bure recounts ‘shameful’ moment she attended ‘dark and demonic’ S&M party with husband
Look for it on channel 666, home of the Hallmark of the Devil Network …
Woman miraculously survives being sucked through flood tunnel as rescuers try to pull her out
So instead of a near death experience, it was a near birth experience.
Far-Right British provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos arrested by U.S. immigration enforcement
On the upside, his name was the winning word in this year’s National Spelling Bee.
Top Trump official asked for more aircraft to fight a small fire near his Idaho ranch
I guess all the rakes were already in use.
49ers owner York contacted prostitution ad 3 times before arrest
I guess 49 is the new 69.
California snake catches huge fish and devours it whole
… Good to see Spenser Pratt is trying to eat healthier.
‘Medical marijuana gains traction in the Deep South’
… Bringing new meaning to the term “Southern Fried”
Maureen McCormick aka Marcia Brady turns 70
Now, when people say to her “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia,” it’s because she’s a little hard of hearing.
Update on Where Harry & Meghan Will Live in the UK
Unlike most millennials moving back in with dad, Harry’s unemployed ass gets a palace basement.
Trump administration considering trading Yosemite land to private developer
Yosemite Sam owns land?
Dolly Parton gone at 80
To quote the Mary Tyler Moore show: At least, we know it wasn’t from drowning. God speed.
Pet goose honks to alert family of barn fire, saving their animals
Or, as Pixar calls it, Zootopia 24.
Blood donors in Sweden receive a text message when their blood is used
For some the news is positive; for others it’s negative.
Rabbi, Muslim leader, to join Pope on trip
I can’t be only one hoping at some point they walk into a bar.