Ending rumors that had been circulating for weeks, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have confirmed that they will be getting married on June 1st at Mar-a-Lago.
“It’s time,” said Trump. “Vlad has always had doubts about sealing our long-distance relationship with a wedding ring, but when he saw Elon [Musk] flirting shamelessly with me in that Oval Office video, he decided to take the Orange Man off the market by proposing through his interpreter.
“We want to start a family as soon as possible, and have been working with a Port-au-Prince orphanage to adopt a pair of Haitian twins who are members of the ultra-violent 400 Mawozo Gang. Vlad will raise one of the boys in Moscow, and I’ll have the other one here in DC. It will be so terrific, the raising of the boys. We’ll teach them that dogs are for walking, not eating. These kids will be so grateful, they really will. Lots and lots of gratitude.
“And Melania is okay with all of this. I’ll be honest: the two of us haven’t shared a bed since Obama was President, and we never talk anymore. Literally, never. She knows that what Vlad and I have is special, and she’s not going to stand in the way of our happiness, or the happiness of our Haitian children.
“Financially, Melania is all set. Her line of Death Mask Facial Cosmetics is making tons of money for Maybelline.”
On Thursday afternoon, Ms. Trump was seen getting into an Uber in front of the White House as her staff loaded 30 steamer trunks into a U-Haul.