“We all knew this day was coming,” said United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby at a press conference on Monday. “Beginning November 1st, United passengers flying from one coast of the United States to the other will pay $5 for every lavatory visit they make after the first one, which will remain free.”
Kirby explained that profit margins in the airline industry are “razor-thin and getting thinner every day. We’re running out of things to charge people for. In addition, we desperately need to reduce bathroom use on long flights. People frequently don’t clean up after themselves, so by the time the plane arrives at its destination the lavatory looks like — and smells like — an open sewer next to a burrito-and-kimchi take-out joint in Calcutta. It’s revolting.
“We want passengers to think of that first, free toilet trip as the equivalent of the personal carry-on bag they stow under a seat at no charge. And we’re encouraging folks to visit an airport restroom just before boarding their flight. That way, they’re likely to be several hours into their journey before nature calls for on-board lavatory trek number two. Our new slogan: Praise the Lord: Please Pee Before You Board.”
United’s Premier Silver passengers, as well as active military members, will continue to enjoy unlimited free lavatory visits.
Immediately following Kirby’s announcement, a lawsuit against the airline was filed by PEE NOW!, a national advocacy organization representing men with enlarged prostates.
We at Pee Now! are boycotting the boy’s room.