Washington, D.C. – The CDC just released a new report on a health crisis that’s out of control. It’s not fentanyl. It’s not oxy. It’s pumpkin spice.
Every September, millions of normally stable citizens find themselves lining up outside Starbucks waiting for their seasonal fix. The first shot of caffeine laced with pumpkin spice syrup triggers what doctors call Pumpkin Spice Addiction (PSA).
“I see the twitching, strung-out customers waiting at 5:30 am to get their first latte of the day. Teachers, yoga instructors, and college students are overdosing daily,” said Ashley, a Starbucks barista. “Several times last week, I had to call 911 when these junkies were found slumped in their cars with whipped cream and cinnamon smeared on their faces.”
The CDC has labeled it a Pumpkin Spice Epidemic. “They’re all chasing the ‘Big Spice,’” said Dr. Gloria Gourdsworth, a CDC spokesperson.
“It’s a nation hooked not on drugs, but cinnamon, nutmeg, and a dash of allspice,” said psychologist Autumn Fallsy, director of the Gourd Intervention Group. “From late August until Thanksgiving, we are staging hundreds of interventions to help addicts receive treatment in autumnal rehab centers.”
It’s reported that hospitals are seeing a 400% increase in pumpkin spice overdose cases. The symptoms are unmistakable: jittery hands, bloodshot eyes with an orange glow, the smell of pumpkin pie, and a plea to “get this jack-o’-lantern off my back.”
“When a person is in total PSA, their actions can be erratic,” said Fallsy. “Recently, we staged an intervention at a Bath & Body Works where a woman’s club president was freebasing a Pumpkin Praline Parfait candle.”
“If you find someone lying in a Target parking lot screaming, ‘It’s sweater weather,’ but it’s 80 degrees, this individual has overdosed. Immediately call 1-800-PUNKIN, and you’ll reach special Starbucks baristas who are trained to treat spiced-out addicts. They’ll arrive with a Pumpkin Spice EpiPen,” Fallsy advised.
We’re in a full-blown crisis, leaving families shattered, bank accounts empty, and grocery store shelves stripped of any product with ‘pumpkin’ on the label.
Bill Butternut, a CEO for a Fortune 500 company, was reported missing by his family. Police later discovered him in a dumpster behind Trader Joe’s, snorting powdered nutmeg through a pumpkin spice rolled wafer.
Butternut told our reporter from rehab, “It all started with a Venti Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino. Then it was pumpkin spice protein powder, pumpkin spice ChapStick, pumpkin spice Dude Wipes, and I moved on to harder stuff—pumpkin spice vodka, pumpkin spice vape juice, and the truly dangerous Pumpkin Spice Tide Pods.”
Butternut’s wife reported, “Bill’s doing so much better. They’re weaning him off the spice with microdoses of intravenous chai.”
Many don’t feel that this is a problem. The Pumpkin Spice Lobby is a powerful political force on Capitol Hill. They argue that America runs on cinnamon and nutmeg. “This isn’t an addiction,” said spokesperson Candy Korn, while ravenously dipping a piece of pumpkin pie into a bowl of pumpkin spice hummus. “It’s a lifestyle.”
There are a few lawmakers who are concerned for their constituents. Senator Monica Maple (D – Vermont) has introduced the Pumpkin Spice Accountability Act, which would place warning labels on pumpkin products: “May cause seasonal dependency, economic hardship, and the irresistible urge to carve jack-o’-lanterns to post on Instagram.”
“By Black Friday, the cases of PSA drop drastically,” Dr. Gourdsworth said. “Then the sufferers move on to the next seasonal drug: peppermint mocha.”
Oh, good–it’s not just me who’s getting more and more worried about this addiction.