VATICAN CITY, Rome. Summer is always a time of low attendance at churches, even for Catholicism, which sticks to its strict rule that if you miss Sunday Mass and are killed in an auto accident, you go straight to hell. “We don’t-a make-a the rules,” says Polish Cardinal Leon Radikowicz in the comic opera Italian accent that is required by canon law, “We just-a abuse-a them.”
But taking a hard line costs the One True Church billions of dollars in collections each Sunday, so cooler heads in the Vatican’s accounting department came up with a creative solution to the problem that has bedeviled its cash flow for centuries: “You show up, you get-a bobble-head doll of the Pope,” says Radikowicz. “Also, only light beer after the Offertory, we don’t want fights to break out between rival schisms.”
“Bobble-heads” are collectible figurines known for their oversized heads attached to a smaller body with a spring or similar mechanism that allows the head to wobble or “bobble” when moved or tapped. “Bobble heads are the most popular promotional giveaway,” says Bobby DeSanto of Sox Enterprises, a souvenir shop outside Fenway Park in Boston. “Compared to those little guys, pennants are basically ear wax.”
The Catholic Church has taken a low profile regarding physical embodiments of spiritual qualities since the “relics of the saints” craze died down in the 18th century when the staff of Saint Joseph was found in England and brought back to Italy by an Italian castrato singer known as “Nicolino.” “This is the real thing,” he said in his artificially high-pitched voice. “You think I’d walk a thousand miles if this was fake?”
In order to receive the commemorative item church-goers must present a valid receipt for a donation to a collection basket of at least $10, not including cents-off coupons or mail-in rebates. “We’re a business like any other world religion,” says Radikowicz. “We’ve got utilities to pay, souls to save, and fish sticks to fry.”