Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Katie Zacharia fired after five days as White House Press Secretary, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia fired after five days
But, in fairness, that’s like 35 in dog whistle days.
Exotic fish showing up in Southern California
Word is: rainbow trout no longer feel welcome in Florida.
Ex-gang leader sentenced to 40 years to life in prison for Tupac Shakur murder
Appropriately, he’s off to the Biggie House.
Trump says he may change the name of the Pacific to “Trump Ocean”
In fairness, everything he touches eventually winds up underwater.
Is coal really making a comeback?
This year, for sure, for Santa …
Three arrested in ‘Toddler Fight Club’ ring
Remember, the first rule of Toddler Fight Club is you don’t baby talk about Toddler Fight Club.
Kimberly Guilfoyle fired as U.S. Ambassador to Greece
Guilfoyle was so screwed. Jerry Falwell Jr was sitting in the corner when she got the call she’d been canned.
Brewers sweep Dodgers
… While Mets already eliminated from next year’s World Series.
Happy 72nd, Birthday, David Lee Roth
At this point: ‘He might as well … nap.’
Australian athlete apologizes for racing with diarrhea, forfeits the Beijing competition she won
Now we’re talking real ‘thunder down under’ from Australia.
Ted Cruz preparing run for President in 2028
… And when did Canada become part of Kenya?
In-N-Out Burger managers now earn $200,000 a year
… Or full tank of 89 and a couple of combo meals
Russia hits Ukraine power plants despite Trump energy ceasefire claim
Putin: Crimea River.
Happy World Teacher Appreciation Day
Apparently, that’ll have to do, instead of good benefits and a decent salary.