Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Matt Damon, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Matt Damon says Netflix wants movies to restate the ‘plot three or four times in the dialogue’
Matt Damon says Netflix wants movies to restate the ‘plot three or four times in the dialogue’
Matt Damon says Netflix wants movies to restate the ‘plot three or four times in the dialogue’
US obesity rates nearing all-time highs
Child obesity rates are so high that photos of missing kids now only fit on gallon cartons.
Mother gives birth in checkout line at Walmart
… Seems it was the only thing actually in the entire store ‘Made in America.’
Massive snowstorm wallops US
In fact, the East Coast was so covered in white, Trump asked it to be in his Cabinet.
Costco is selling a street-tacos kit that’s cooked and ready to assemble
… And serves 1,326 people!
People who complain of boredom are 2.5 times more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke
At least, they weren’t busy when it happened.
Americans are the ones paying for tariffs, study finds: Wall Street Journal
And, apparently that’s not cherry-picking data, although cherries are much higher priced due to tariffs.
Maduro New York jail sounds like literal hell
And, with NYC real estate prices, it would go for $1.2MM.
Kid Rock turns 55
At that age, you might want to change your name to ‘Middle Aged Elevator Music.’
Trump, 79, explodes at GOP Senator Susan Collins in profanity-filled call
Collins is on the fence about how to respond.
Denmark manufactures 100% of U.S. Ozempic
So, without Denmark, Mar-a-Lago would be Mar-a-Lardass.
Bill Kristol is ‘semi-serious’ about launching a new third party
I’d rather he made a new ‘City Slickers.’
Willie Nelson suffering ‘breathing problems’
… Sounds like a classic case of Bong-chitis.
World’s oldest surviving VW Beetle is back on the road
Herbie the Love Bug rides again! … This time with no chance of getting pregnant …