Valentine’s Day is here!
IT IS HERE. Do you have your well-thought-out, creative, one-of-a-kind gift purchased for your special boo? Have you scoured the pages of Pinterest to find THE perfect craft project that will let your love for your honey shine through? Have you read over thousands of greeting cards to find the one that says EXACTLY what you want to say to your lover on this special day? I certainly hope so, because IT IS HERE.
If you haven’t purchased your love-nugget a gift yet, might be the voice of reason and say just go with a heart box full of chocolate or some nice flowers. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY ANY OF THE FOLLOWING.
Inappropriate Valentine’s Day Gifts
What can I say here to make you understand what a no-no this is for a gift? Really, the mere fact that one needs to tell you not to buy them, makes me question the fact you have a Valentine at all. Not only are they really ugly–the pubic hair alone is enough to make you gag–they are very impractical. I would imagine the phallus flopping along your shin would be very disconcerting, annoying, and would make you lose your balance.
Link to Penis Flip Flops
Toilet Products of Any Sort
Toilet paper has its place. It is a necessity, but it is never a gift item. Especially a gift for the most romantic holiday of them all. The last thing you want to do on Valentine’s Day is remind your special someone that you poop. Period.
Link to Love Shit
Showing up for your Valentine’s Day date wearing this Emoji mask isn’t funny. It is creepy. It doesn’t say, “I am in love with you, and I want to have fun tonight!” It says, “I am psychotic, and you should run away from me while you still have a chance.”
Link to Emoji Mask
Love Welcome Mats
Even if you lover is as dumb as a doorknob, he or she will not miss–at least subconsciously–the significance of being invited to wipe his or her feet on your heart. Don’t do it.
Link to Heart Door Mat
Hot Shot Love Disc Shooter
Let me explain what will go down as soon as this gift is opened:
Ouch! Oh, that’s cute, honey! Haha! I love you, too.
Ouch! I am yours, too! Okay? That’s enough.
Ouch! Hey, let’s play something else. Haha, Sweetie!
DAMN! Okay, give me that thing NOW!
Link to Love Message Disc Shooter
These things have been around as long as there have been Spencer Gifts in malls. I have never, ever understood the point of them or the attraction to them. No one wants to put on the same pair of underwear. It doesn’t matter how hot you think you are, you are not hot enough to pull off this look. It is stupid, unsexy, and just plain dumb.
Link to Fundies
Any Diamond-Related Gift That Isn’t A Ring
On Valentine’s Day, the only thing should come in a ring-sized jewelry box is a diamond ring. In
|This is actually a coffee cup. No.|
particular, an engagement ring. No one wants a key chain with a glass solitaire. No one wants a coffee cup with a ring as the grip. No one even wants a freaking friendship ring on February 14th. Either bring out the good stuff or face the dire consequences. You have been warned.
link to Diamond Ring Coffee Mugs
Ain’t nobody got time at all for some crappy homemade coupons that allows the recipient to redeem for “a long, wet kiss” or “a full body massage.” No, no, no. Because you know why? The person giving these never intends to honor them. Ever. ESPECIALLY the ones that are a little more risque. You know that on April 24th, when you get home from a long day at work, the last thing you are going to do is allow your boo to cash in a “Tongue Bath” or whatever else you thought would be a good idea back in February. Not appropriate.
Any Dental Hygiene Products
Much like reminding your honey-badger that you poop, reminding them of your bad breath or poor dental health is another no-no. His and hers toothbrushes or water-piks should be off-limits for Valentine’s Day gifts. More importantly, any product that promises to rid you of “tongue fur” is horrid. In fact, if your partner has tongue fur at all, you may need to reconsider the prospect of this being a long term relationship.
Link to Dental Hygiene
Bad Language Ridden Stuffed Animals
Perhaps people think it is really funny to combine a cute, fuzzy stuffed animal wearing shirts with very adult sayings on them. I suppose they may have their place somewhere in the sphere of relationship gifts, but that place is not on Valentine’s Day. VDay is not the time to mix up your mojo by trying to become all gansta or get some street cred by calling your friend a “bitch.” Using the vehicle of a stuffed animal to do it pretty much guarantees a loss of not only street cred, but of all common decency. Don’t take that chance.
Link to bad language bears
To sum it all up, Valentine’s Day is not a holiday to experiment with your gift giving. Sometimes, traditional gifts are fine. 99.9% of all people would rather get a box of Russell Stover’s candy than a pair of slippers with the entire male sexual anatomy attached.
Stay away from this list and you should be just fine.
Happy Valentine’s Day!