Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Hannah Neeleman expecting baby number nine, don’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ballerina Farm’s Hannah Neeleman reveals she is pregnant with baby no. 9
The woman doesn’t have a uterus, she has Gymboree.
Man who called out the N word at BAFTAs blames his Tourette syndrome
So, I flipped the bird at my TV and blamed my ‘restless middle finger syndrome.’
Bill Gates admits to affairs with 2 Russian women while married to Melinda and apologizes to staff for past Epstein ties
Ironically, Bill appears to be neither micro or soft.
U.S and Israel launch major attack on Iran
So, Trump went from Board of Peace to ‘Bored of Peace.’
Happy 61st Birthday, Dr. Dre
Congratulations you’re now officially a member of the NWAARP.
Laureen Boebert taking cell phone pictures at Hillary Clinton deposition
I don’t wanna know what her other hand was doing!
France moves to bar US Ambassador Charles Kushner from direct government access, Associated Press
Hey, they should’ve gone to Jared.
Men are allegedly abandoning women on hikes, sparking discussion of the “Alpine divorce”
Wouldn’t it be easier to tell someone ‘take a hike’ then actually taking a hike?
Malcolm X died on this day in 1965
He was XXXIX.
Maury Povich wants no part of Bonnie Blue’s 400-man pregnancy saga
Who can blame him? Opening all those envelopes could cause severe carpel tunnel syndrome.
Dennis Quaid thirsts over ‘very funny’ and ‘genuine’ Trump
Could someone tell me what Alec Baldwin thinks, so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either?
Seahawks Coach Mike McDonald reveals Tom Brady texted him after team defeated Patriots in Super Bowl win
Damn, the deflated balls on that Brady guy.
20% of Alcoholics are high functioning
Big deal, 100% of pot smokers are functioning high.
Trump shatters Clinton’s 26-year-old record for longest State of the Union address
… Hunch is if everyone threw down a shot every time Trump blamed Biden, there’d have been more blacking out than in the Epstein files!