Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Costco organic chicken, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Costco’s organic chicken isn’t what it seems
So, if you bought the small family pack that serves 237, please return it.
‘Gym penis is real’ – New York Post
… Not to be confused with Jim Penis, the personal trainer in most porn movies.
Around this date in 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail. It was a voyage filled with disease and illness
… Making it the first known Carnival Cruise.
Preflight sermon gets plane preacher kicked off Alaska Airlines flight
… No sense getting people’s hopes up that their luggage will arrive with them.
Charges dropped in Reflecting Pool case as prosecutors say work was “botched”
From the first reports, you’d have thought they arrested Algae Hiss.
Bugs Bunny turns 86
Now, when he asks ‘what’s up Doc?’ Doc answers, ‘If it’s for more than 4 hours, call me.’
It’s the Chinese Year of the Horse
In Washington, D.C., it’s still the Year of the Horse’s Ass.
“The Exorcist” star Linda Blair’s home searched over reported kennel operation housing more than 100 dogs
Apparently, “the devil made me do it” is still not a recognized legal defense.
Elon Musk says SpaceX data centers will crush competitors
Adding: ‘crushed like a toddler standing behind an autopiloted Tesla in reverse. ‘
Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven comes out as gay 26 years after sibling kiss at Oscars
… Well: who’s the actor in the family now, bitches?
Woman stabs boyfriend for farting on her’
Cops let her go free when they got wind of it …
Kelly Osbourne is ‘not happy’ with Sid Wilson as they end engagement
Too bad Ozzie isn’t here to say ‘Brtyhfr torfds.’
The U.S. economy lost 23,000 jobs in July
Would’ve been 23,001 but no one can prove whether Mitch McConnell is employed or not.