Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Liz Cho, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
ABC News Anchor Liz Cho ordered to hand over years of private texts in divorce battle with ex Josh Elliott
Look for them on ‘Who Wants to Make a Divorce Lawyer a Millionaire?’
American Airlines shakes up leadership as pressure mounts to boost profits
They’re building a wall of debt — and making AeroMexico pay for it.
Spainish police confused an actress for the “fearless leader” of a sex ring
In their defense, Natasha and Boris Badenov were actors too … Just ask Moose and Squirrel.
Trump says he will soon declare the Strait of Hormuz a U.S. territory
No word if he’ll name it after Hegseth and call it the ‘Strait of Vermouth.’
El Nino may bring once-in-a-generation storms to Southern California, says NOAA report
If so, NOAA may consider changing its name to NOAH.
What happens to your brain when you stop drinking alcohol?
I’m assuming the cocaine is more effective.
Trump chooses blonde aide over Stephen Miller in escape plot
In fairness, it may have been his escape plan from Stephen Miller.
Stunning photos show the ancient tradition of honey hunting in Nepal
Now, most Nepalis use eHarmony to find a honey.
Happy 89th Birthday, Dustin Hoffman
That’s 89, 89. Definitely, 89. 89, 89, Definitely 89 …
Josh Kushner and Bob Iger buy the Lakers
… And to think, they could’ve gone to Jared.
On average,100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year
Until now, I had no inkling …
DHS plans to spend $10MM-20MM on Taser gloves so when they arrest people, they’ll get tased
So, that’s what all the buzz is about.
Iranian hard-liner says Supreme Leader not happy with proposed nuclear deal
… Why they care what Diana Ross thinks is whole other question.
Illinois lottery player wins $1.04 billion Powerball jackpot
… Or, as I call him, “Dad.”