Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Kimmel/Talarico YouTube interview, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Jimmy Kimmel interview with James Talarico pulled from TV, but hits 5 million views in 24 hours on YouTube
Damn, but in fairness, both come from large families.
Jewish New Year kicks off
To my Jews out there, L’Shana Tova. To my non-Jews, no that isn’t the name of a WNBA player.
Apple’s new CEO scores $58 million annual pay package as Tim Cook officially steps aside
So … a pair of iPods and a used MacBook Pro.
Trump wants to give every American 5,000 dollars
… Except if they live in Canada, it’s $10,000 because, y’know, the 100% tariffs.
Aaron Rodgers says there was “zero intimacy” with Danica Patrick
In fairness, have you seen the backseat in of a stock car?
Are we ready for a gay president? Well, we may have already had one
Yup, seems James Buchanan wanted to turn the White House into a B & B. ‘Nuff said.
Marmots are stealing hikers’ shoes in California
Apparently, they keep forgetting theirs.
Pentagon rebels leak ‘Colonel Vodka’ Hegseth’s ‘weird conduct’
Don’t go Russian to conclusions about the nickname, just Putin it out there …
Happy 83rd birthday, Robert De Niro
Now, when you ask, ‘are you talking to me?’ It’s because your hearing’s going.
Pill made from human poop can cure serious gut infections, doctors say
Yeah, but they leave a really shitty crappy taste in your mouth
U.S. diesel prices just hit a record
Makes sense, Vin Diesel has been carrying those ‘Fast & Furious’ movies for years … oh, wait.
A dozen states want to get rid of daylight saving time
… The hope is to keep their citizens in the dark 24/7.
Where does Spirit Airlines go when it dies?
I don’t know, but I’m betting all my lost luggage is nearby.
Reflecting pool contractor admitted its own errors caused issues, not vandals: Report
Apparently also eliminated as suspects are the Visigoths …