Washington, D.C. – President Trump is using late-night TV as the latest deflection tactic from rising inflation, soaring gas prices, the disastrous war with Iran, and the lingering Epstein file controversy. Undisclosed sources have reported that President Trump convened an emergency session of the Cabinet to address what he described as “the greatest crisis facing American television, possibly ever.”
Wearing a gold-trimmed terry cloth robe and clutching a Diet Coke, the orange-tinged politician told his group of sycophants in the Situation Room, “Colbert is gone. Many people are saying it’s because of me. And honestly? They’re right. But now we have a talk-show hole—a very, very beautiful hole at 11:35—and I plan to fill it. Nobody fills holes better than me. I’ve been filling holes my entire career. Just ask Don Jr.”
The meeting lasted three hours, with Cabinet members praising Trump for ridding the airwaves of crazy liberal Colbert and pitching ideas for a replacement show featuring “traditional American values,” including gold furniture, televised DOJ investigation updates, and monologues that end with someone getting fired. Sources report there was more bootlicking than in a fetish film.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly volunteered to host a late-night program called Last Call with Pete. The defense secretary will “belly up to the bar” and mix cocktails for prescreened guests.
“No fatties or beardos on my show. Only America’s finest. If you’re not buff, you’re not tough.” Hegseth reportedly told Trump.
RFK Jr. pitched a show he would host titled Late Night and Unvaccinated with Bobby. Weekly segments would include “Road Kill Cooking,” “25 Uses for a Raccoon Penis,” “Everything Causes Autism,” and “Ask the Worm.”
Attorney General Todd Blanche floated the idea of DOJ After Dark. The show would feature ongoing DOJ investigations requested by Trump. Each episode would reenact an alleged crime, with special agents as they investigate. Trump’s collection of D-list celebrities would be enlisted as reenactment players. Scott Baio will take the lead as FBI Director Chachi Patel.
Blanche also pitched a legal-themed episode, “Subpoena Colada,” in which celebrities on Trump’s enemies list are served indictments with a tropical cocktail.
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick suggested trying a Shark Tank segment where struggling Americans pitch ideas directly to billionaires. The panel featuring Elon Musk will wear earplugs and a look of empathy.
“Elon, Larry, Mark, and Jeff will appear interested but will be totally tuned out to the financial issues of economically challenged citizens,” snickered Lutnick. “Sure to be one of late-night’s hilarious hijinks.
Trump floated the idea of segments with Melania reading Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming.
“Nothing can be more riveting than the ‘best First Lady in the history of the United States’ reading Obama’s novel,” Trump said. “No one reads better than my Melania. Plus, she’ll have something to do at night.”
The meeting ended with the most serious contender, which is a variety program tentatively titled The MAGA Hour, hosted by a rotating panel of Cabinet secretaries sponsored by commemorative coins.
An outline of the format includes:
- Opening monologues attacking windmills and reflecting pool vandals
- Weather forecasts using Sharpie pens
- A cooking segment where Cabinet members explain tariffs using a charcuterie board.
- Right-wing celebrity interviews interrupted every ten minutes by emergency election fraud updates from 2020.
- Contests where viewers will win prizes like a chance to pick out the wallpaper for Trump’s ballroom coatroom.
Trump is considering hosting the show himself.
Sources say he already tested several opening monologues in which he spoke uninterrupted for ninety-four minutes about owning the Straits of Hormuz, electric eel-powered cars, Marco Rubio’s shoe size, building a vacation White House in Greenland, calling Canadian bacon American bacon, and how transgender mice are very “inferior” pets before dozing off at the host desk.
CBS executives are discussing the potential of a new late-night show with the White House communications director and staff.
“The greenlight on this proposed programming will not be discussed until after November 3rd,” said David Ellison, chairman and CEO of Paramount Skydance. “Things can change depending on the political climate, and Trump and his Cabinet might not feel like talking.”
Sources say Trump remains determined to get the show on the air, provided CBS agrees to several non-negotiable demands, including a gold-plated desk, a 20-foot portrait of himself behind the host chair, and a studio audience that applauds every time he says the word “tariff.”
Trump also reportedly wants final approval of every joke, monologue, guest, camera angle, and commercial break.
Negotiations hit a snag, however, when CBS executives explained that late-night hosts are expected to occasionally make fun of the president.
Trump immediately ended the meeting.
“No,” he reportedly said. “That’s not comedy. That’s treason.”
He then announced that if CBS refuses to cooperate, he will launch his own network.
Trump TV will broadcast 24 hours a day, seven days a week, featuring reruns of The Apprentice, live Cabinet meetings, golf coverage, tariff updates, and four consecutive hours of Trump explaining why he is the greatest late-night host in television history.
The network’s slogan?
“Trump TV: Because Apparently, We Haven’t Suffered Enough.”