This is an R-rated post.
I’ve been dating for twelve years. Before the elder statesmen chime in and say “Son, I’ve been dealing with women shit for forty-five years and I still don’t understand squat”, I don’t care what you have to say… this isn’t about you. This is about the things that I have seen, which I can assure you is completely different from what your glaucoma-ridden eyes have peeped. With age may come wisdom, but it doesn’t prepare you for the generational gap and how a new environment affects a gender. So pound sand, Gramps, this is my soapbox.
This column is directed at women, motivated by the vapid whores who make up my past…
1. Under the rare instance that I am pecking away on my cell phone while in your presence, I do not care if you ask whom I am speaking to or what I am doing. I have nothing to hide. However, given that you spend half your day texting and Facebooking, don’t give me lip when I ask what is more important than time with me. What I don’t understand: Why do you flip your shit for no clear reason?
2. Don’t ask me what I think of the outfit you are wearing. You’ve cooed, ad nauseum, about how much you enjoy my brutal, succinct honesty about everything… I’m not going to spare that ugly fucking shirt or those medieval contraptions you call shoes. If you make the mistake of asking and I make the mistake of telling you that you look like a cheap hooker… call it a wash and move on. It’s a learning experience for both of us. Escalating the issue by throwing a fit and withholding sex is only going to make me fuck your sister. Don’t have a sister? I’m targeting your best friend. What, the BFF is a guy? This wasn’t going to work out anyway. What I don’t understand: Why are you so stupid?
3. There is no excuse for you acting like a bitch. I understand the stimuli that may cause it, but you still won’t be excused. Grow up, be an adult, accept the repercussions for your actions, and let’s move forward. I understand that I have the propensity to be an asshole, I accepted it well before you started letting me inside you. I’m doing my best to mitigate those tendencies and you need to try harder to squash your bitchy persona. What I don’t understand: Why do you act like a bitch?
4. While we’re still on this bitch/asshole topic… getting into a verbal argument with me is probably one of the worst decisions you’ll ever make. You know all of those nice things I said to get you to ride my face? I can also say brutally mean things to make you cry. Starting an argument with me is a bad move… spare us both from the embarrassment, mmkay pumpkin? What I don’t understand: Why do you start fights you know you are going to lose?
5. Yes, I have dated women who are more attractive than you. Yes, sometimes they creep into my head while I am banging you. That doesn’t make you any less attractive or any less capable of getting me off. I don’t date to wind up with the most attractive woman… I date with the intention of finding the best possible partner for me. I thought you were her… then you opened your mouth. What I don’t understand: Why can’t you see that you are beautiful (too)?
6. When I ask you to play with my balls… it’s because someone else did it and I liked it. Don’t want to do it? Fine. I still have her number. What I don’t understand: Why won’t you play with my balls?
7. Before you moved in… I went through one roll of toilet paper per month. Now that you are here, I’m buying a 12-pack of double rolls each week. What the fuck are you doing with it? I know you’re not stuffing your bra. What I don’t understand: Where is the toilet paper going? and Why won’t you get fake titties?
8. I’m not sure how tofu got into my refrigerator, but if you don’t get rid of it… I’m throwing you in the garbage too. What I don’t understand: Tofu… the fuck?
9. Sometimes, on a Tuesday night, I want to have two too many drinks. I understand that this will make me feel like crap tomorrow and I’ll immediately regret the two extra libations. I don’t expect this to make sense to you, so to help you out… let me put it into common terms. I don’t understand why you eat so much ice cream. It makes your ass huge and I know you regret not being able to fit into those jeans you like. Does that make sense to you? No? Well, at least I’ll feel better tomorrow and your ass will still be big. What I don’t understand: Why do you have a fat ass and sabotage yourself from having a nice ass? Is it because I want to stick my dick in it?
10. When I tell you that I love you… I mean it. When I was 20 and I was saying it… it was to con women into demeaning sex. Now that I am much older… I don’t have time for games. Accept it. I love you. I love you. What I don’t understand: How in the hell do you misconstrue “I love you”?
Trying to live with another person brings up a lot of issues. Some may be gender-related but most are just relationship-related.
The ones that are gender-specific tend to add a comedic element to the relationship, I think. The relationship-specific issues are the ones that need to be discussed, to ensure both parties are on the same page.
Thanks for the comment, Mike.
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Good Luck Buddy!
“And so while philosophy remains a great consolation, there is still meat to be eaten, seed to be sown, and a moon to howl at.”
I know this sounds weird, but this is sort of sentimental. I think these ten things are so easy to relate to. I know where the TP goes, but it’s the code of women to never divulge that secret.
I think we can all relate to them, regardless of gender. I don’t really want to know where the bathroom tissue goes… I just want to bitch about it.
I feel you on most of these, Joe, but number seven hits home the most. My ex-wife was a fucking magician with toilet paper. The best was when I had to make a hasty trip to the throne only to find that there was no TP left. EX. WIFE.
These 10 items are rooted in my past. I think the toilet paper bit is something that has been present in every relationship I have been in.