Ten Things My Wife Has NEVER Said to Me

Tor Constantino
Not My Wife: Image Courtesy Wikipedia

It’s important to qualify this post with the fact that my wife and I are very much in love and have been happily married for more than 16 years.

That degree of relational longevity doesn’t happen by accident. It takes work and compromise from both of us – recognizing the likes and dislikes of the other and not “pushing each other’s buttons.”

One hot button in particular that she hates me pushing, is writing about her in public forums such as this one.

So today, I’ve decided to “not” write about her – sort of. Here are 10 Things My Wife Has NEVER Said to Me:

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10. Honey that is so fantastic that you forgot my birthday, anniversary and Mother’s Day – you’ve pulled off the marital hat trick! You deserve a night of NHL action in your man cave!

9. You know, it’s such a beautiful fall day outside – why don’t you stay inside on the couch and watch football all day!

8. Sweetie you are so handy around this house, it’s like living with Bob Villa!

7. Your melodious snoring is like cherubic lullabies that gently lead me into the most restful slumber each and every single night – thank you!

6. Honey bun, I love, love, love the meadowy, lavender-esque fragrance that rushes from your mouth first thing each and every single morning.

5. It’s so adorable how you leave one swig of milk in the jug, forcing the girls to pour orange juice on their Cheerios – again. Too cute!

4. I really wish you had a constant, two-day growth of facial hair. It’s just like kissing a P40 grit sheet of sandpaper, which is the perfect skin exfoliate – I love the dermal abrasion of it all!

3. Muffin, that novelty mounted jack-a-lope head you had in college would look great in the formal dining room!

2. Thanks so much for leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night sweetheart, that bidet experience was so refreshing!

1. Cutie pie, I’m fed up with the oppressive fashionista women’s footwear regime. In protest, I’m going to give away my 40+ pairs of foot coverings and never buy another pair again!

Question: What’s something your significant other has never said to you?

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Tor Constantino is a former journalist and current PR guy who lives near Washington, DC. He has worked for Fortune 500 companies, CBS Radio, Clear Channel Radio, ABC-TV and CBS-TV affiliates. He has authored his first non-fiction book “A Question of Faith”  and he blogs regularly at The Daily ReTORt.

 

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4 thoughts on “Ten Things My Wife Has NEVER Said to Me”

  1. Okay, the melodius snoring one, that has not been said in my house either – at least not unless it was accompanied by me slugging him in the arm to roll over.

    1. Hmmm….I’ve often wake with what appears like blunt trauma up-and-down my arm. It seems my wife subscribes to your particular brand of “silent rebuttal”…..

  2. Great stuff Tor.

    One thing I’ve never heard is: “Saying fine isn’t an adequate response to ‘How was your day?’, I really want to hear every boring detail of all your meetings and phone calls.”

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