CARPE DIEM, chaps! Well, it’s obvious that expecting some people to understand that would be ab asino lanam! Cripes! Some Old Etonians seem to think the Magna Carta is an ice cream!
People keep coming up to me and asking if I want to be Prime Minister. Well, I can most categorically say ‘yes!’, I mean ‘no!’ Why should the country get a new broom when they’ve already got a perfectly good old one – our own beloved leader, David Cameron?
That cheeky chappie called me a ‘mop’ the other day! Cave dicis! And he’s got a well-equipped Cabinet complete with dustpan Osborne, J-Cloth Gove and sponge-Hague.
What a fantastic speech by our esteemed leader at the Conservative Party conference the other day! We will be ‘spreading privilege’, eh? Crikey! The man’s a genius! Just like butter or margarine, there will be a spread for all tastes and all budgets.
Of course, a wily cove like Call Me Dave will still be existing on high class Etonian privilege with the majority of middle England satisfied with Lurpak-standard privilege. And the rest of you will be none the wiser with the cunningly marketed I Can’t Believe it’s Not Privilege.
Well, chaps and chapesses, I must leap on my saddle and hurtle off to secure my position as the next Prime Minister, er, I mean, secure the future of the new Routemaster buses. Tally no and tootle pip!