Yesterday Family Research Council President Tony Perkins announced that the research council had at last concluded its long scientific endeavor which began in 1983, and the result is that the group has determined that it is itself comprised of gigantic douchebags. In the introduction to the report, Perkins explains:
“The results are in, and boy, I have to say we really didn’t expect this at all. But it all looks complete and we’ve determined that we are complete and utter douchebags! Yes, I know it’s hard to imagine, but it’s right there in the final report. We’re dicks! Absolute assholes!
“We’ve long asserted that we promote traditional family values, which of course mean the things that we like. We’ve long been against stuff like stem-cell research, cursing, gambling, civil rights, science, pornography, and late night snacks. You know, all of the stuff that’s fun in life. We thought we were doing the right thing. But there it is right in black and white. We suck!
In 2010, we stated that gay behavior should be outlawed in America and that we should enforce “criminal sanctions against homosexual behavior”. We also said that repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the military would lead to the certain molestation of heterosexual service members, which is probably happening but just not reported in the media. And we’ve always said that allowing homosexuals to live will result in constant molestation of children, in total ignorance of reality. We even lobbied for a law in Uganda which would result in the death penalty for gays there. No, really. We did that. Wow, I guess this study is right. These are all total dick moves!
Just recently, we had a meeting with Walmart where we pressured them to drop funding of any company, organization, or group of any kind who had not been responsible for the violent deaths of at least 25 gay people. You’d be surprised at how many evil groups are out there that aren’t killing gays. We then concluded the meeting by securing a promise that any gay Walmart employees would be forced to wear a pink vest with “Totally Gay!” emblazoned on it. Some customers don’t want to deal with gays due to their religious freedoms and we decided that it is religious oppression for those people to not know which registers are being run by homos. I guess hindsight is 20/20, but once again, this shows that we are truly awful human beings.”
The report concluded by addressing its labeling as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. The Family Research Council admitted that after reading their own report, they agree and now hate themselves, too.
A group whose “moral center” is off-kilter. Clearly however, they are the last ones to discover this.
Nicely done.
Well-researched article! 🙂 Everything looks pretty dark when you have your head up your ass!