Integrity finally got around to reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

An open letter to Anastasia Steele, the dipshit heroine of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey.

Dear Anastasia:

First, I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Integrity. I’m positive you’ve never heard of me.

I finally got around to reading your story Fifty Shades of Grey, more than a year after it hit bookshelves and Kindles. I know, I know. I’m a little late. It’s been a crazy 12 months for me, but I’ve had a break recently, what with some Amanda Bynes outbursts and government conspiracies, where I wasn’t needed.

So anyway, I read the book, and was sad that I couldn’t find me in any of it. Anywhere. I couldn’t find my friends Intelligence or Self-Esteem in it, either. What a horrible oversight. I thought maybe Fifty Shades would be an erotic novel where the heroine would be depicted as a strong woman seeking satisfaction in a post-Women’s Lib world. But kudos to you, Ana. You set women back all the way to the Dark Ages with quotes like, “I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, and I cannot resist.” Please. Leave the Bible out of this.

And it’s not the BDSM stuff that you might see at fucked tube that offended me. What men and women do behind bedroom doors is their business. But the fact that you are just a complete cretin is what’s really bothersome. Being willing to do anything for a man who could care less for you, well, that’s something we expect from a Kardashian. Not from a literary character that helped sell 70 million copies of a book you see women reading on the subway every day, a book where a woman receives pain in order to provide a man pleasure.

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It’s very hard to root for you in the book. Sometimes, I find myself hoping you fall down a flight of stairs or into oncoming traffic. It’s something I struggle with, given who I am.

I just feel like you should be aware that you are not what women dream of being. And no, you are not the reason there’s a Baby Boom in the United States right now. And when you say things like, “My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five year old,” it makes me question whether you really understand what it means to be a woman. Real women don’t have inner goddesses. They are goddesses unto themselves.

Sincerely,

Integrity

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4 thoughts on “Integrity finally got around to reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’”

  1. I haven’t read it. For whatever reason, I have no interest. I give you credit for finishing a book that you found … something. At least you have the pop cultural reference!

    Great post.

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