My daughter got a book about eating healthy from a McDonald’s Happy Meal. That’s kind of like getting a lecture on being nice from Al-Qaeda.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013
My kids can’t read, so they don’t know what their books are about. When I read “Goodnight Moon,” I give them the plot summary for “Die Hard”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013
Wife: You’re an ass when you’re drunk.
Me: I’m also an ass when I’m sober. Don’t slander alcohol like that.
I stand up for the one I love.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013
Hot girl: Are you staring at me?
Me: My wife wants to know where you got your shoes.
I’m the smoothest creepy guy I know.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013
3-year-old: Why’d the dinosaurs die?
Me: An asteroid hit them.
3: Why didn’t they go to the hospital?
I'm glad they didn't think of that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013
