Everything’s Bigger In Texas. Even The Fear.

The Hartford Courant recently reported on a woman who yanked her child from middle-school simply because a teacher had visited Dallas, which has experienced cases of Ebola. Yup, no irrational fear there. The woman might as well just get her daughter started on Prozac now because she’s gonna absorb that anxiety.

Around the same time, authorities evacuated a Dallas bus terminal after a woman was seen throwing up repeatedly. If the bus station is anything like the Dallas airport, I can understand why the woman got ill.

On a recent flight East I had a 50 minute layover in Dallas. We left Seattle late, so I was hauling ass for gate C30 after exiting at C5 in the Dallas airport. I followed the signs to a train, which then headed away from my gate. We did a huge loop around the entire airport, going backwards from the C Terminal to B to A and then back to C. I missed my connecting flight. You can see the train tracks in the image above, taken from the International Space Station. I’m pretty sure the company that designed that train was the same one that makes those roller coasters you see stuck upside down at an amusement park with riders holding on for dear life.

My first question in Heaven isn’t going to be about about the meaning of life. Nope, it’s gonna be “Why do so many bad things happen in Dallas? What gives, God?”

I’ll be flying through Dallas on my way home. And here’s my plan:

1) Land in Dallas.

2) Start asking people in the airport kiosks if they sell prayer rugs. That’ll help juice up the fear.

3) Go eat a huge meal at Billy Bob’s Barbecue Emporium.

4) Find the most crowded, visible spot in the airport.

5) Do a finger-down-the-throat hurl. The barbecue sauce will look just like blood.

6) Watch with amusement as the airport gets evacuated and the Haz-Mat guys show up.

JFK might’ve been a serial cheater, but he was right about the only thing to fear being fear itself. And if I’m gonna miss another flight, I’m at least gonna have some fun.