3-year-old: Let me drive Me: You can’t reach the gas 3: I’ll use my hands M: How will you see? 3: With my butt M: *gives her the keys*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2014
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed. Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering. *never gets laid again*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2014
Anyone who says they “slept like a baby” has never spent time in the same house as an actual baby.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2014
3-year-old: I want to take off my skin. Me: Why? 3: So I’ll be invisible. I tried to find a flaw in her plan, but it’s perfect.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2014
My 3-year-old wants French fries. Who am I to judge her breakfast? *opens a Bud Light*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2014