In Compromise US Will Limit Gitmo Music Torture to Smooth Jazz

WASHINGTON, D.C. Heading off a potential showdown at the International Criminal Court, U.S. officials today agreed to limit music torture at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to selections of “smooth jazz,” removing songs such as Barney the Purple Dinosaur’s theme “I Love You, You Love Me” from a playlist that has broken the will of hundreds of prisoners over the years.

“. . . but the Meow Mix cats are cute!”

“We as a nation have historically aspired to be a city on a hill,” said State Department spokeswoman Regina O’Reilly. “We will not achieve that vision while playing the Meow Mix theme song over and over again to helpless individuals.”

The sappy and simple tunes formerly used will be replaced by sappy but harmonically complex songs in the “smooth jazz” format, thereby removing one objection to the use of music as a means of extracting confessions from prisoners. “Kenny G throws in major seventh chords so there’s some variety,” said torture columnist Niles Aylward of Soldier of Fortune magazine. “The brain softens rather than collapses.”

“Here’s the cut-out bin–you may find some Michael Franks in there.”

“Smooth jazz” is a radio format that was pronounced dead in 2007, but came back to life, zombie-like, as “New Adult Contemporary.” “It’s an indigenous movement that relies on local support by women named ‘Mindi’ who drink Brandy Alexanders,” says Lieutenant James St. John, head of U.S. counter-smooth jazz efforts in the Caribbean where FM radio stations often regroup after heavy ratings casualties. “Yes, it’s great music to have sex to, but so are John Phillips Sousa marches.”

Seriously–try it sometime.

Victims of prior music atrocities expressed guarded optimism that their lives in the facility will improve, although years of exposure to The Bee Gees has left many unable to form complete sentences. “Ah, ha, ha, ha,” said Muhammad Rahim, “Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.”