The REAL Difference Between Men and Women: A Comedy of Airs

Everybody knows that men have penises and women have vaginas, but a lot of misinformation is floating around about the difference between the two sexes. For instance, some stereotyping individuals claim that women love to shop.

I am a woman who HATES shopping. Does that make me a man?

Men are football fanatics. You can’t drag my sisters away from the television sets during football season. Does that make them men?

I’ve met men who love to cook, women who enjoy playing a game of golf, men who care about the way they look, and women who like to barbecue. So what is the REAL difference between men and women?

Glad you asked, because I want to illustrate the difference for you using a school setting as my backdrop.

The instructor’s name is Ms. Noe Tall and, as she stands in front of her classroom filled with children, she points behind her to two round students dressed like gas bubbles. One, the male, has wide, smiling eyes; the other, a female, has sad, droopy eyes.

Ms. Noe Tall addresses the class. “Well, Boys and Girls, today I am going to tell you the difference between men and women. And it all boils down to gas bubbles in a man’s body and gas bubbles in a woman’s body.”

She points to the happy, smiling bubble, grinning from ear to ear.

“Notice how happy Mr. Man Gas is? Know why he’s so happy?” she asks her class.

A little boy can’t help but respond. “He’s bursting with, with, with…Pride?”

Ms. Tall nods her head and raises her eyebrows, smiling. Two male bubble buddies appear in front of the classroom and bump bellies with Mr. Man Gas.

The smiling Ms. Tall continues. “He knows that he and his little bubble buddies will team up together and PARTY TONIGHT!”

She looks serious now as the bubble buddies give a “thumbs up” to the class.

“Let me tell you how it works. You see – Mr. Man Gas teams up with his buddies…”

The bubble buddies wrap their arms around each other and smile, looking like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, nodding to the class as they patiently wait for instructions from Ms. Noe Tall.

“…and heads in the direction of the gate, gathering speed as he rushes forward, hoping to be the first one out of the gate.”

To show the class what Ms. Noe Tall means, the bubble buddies race for the door, where two other bubble buddies stand, ushering all the bubble buddies out of the door.

“Does anybody know why they are in such a rush to leave?”

A girl in the front of the class cannot contain her excitement. “Because men always come first?”

“That’s right! Now, at the entrance to the outside world stand two door men, ushering forth their little troops with such witticisms as, ‘Hurry, we’re in a restaurant!’ or ‘Quick, he’s on a date!’ Then all the little man gas bubbles gather forces and rush toward the gate.”

Obediently, the bubble buddies push each other aside.

“Of course, the door men have to call over Mr. Moderator to stop the fighting…”

Mr. Moderator appears and places a hand on two bubble buddy shoulders as Ms. Noe Tall continues. “Those fellas have to see who is going to get out first, you know. The bigger, stronger bubbles always make it to the door first, right, Class?”

“Right, Ms. Noe Tall.”

Ms. Tall continues. “Well, the moderator and the door men pat the biggest bubbles on the back, pry apart the entrapment…”

Ushers pretend to pry open the door.

“…and watch the winners erupt into the outside world with alarming speed, generally breaking the sound barrier. And what do you think they call that, Class?”

“WIND!” the class chimes.

“That’s right, Boys and Girls,” Ms. Tall responds with rousing applause. “They sometimes call it wind.”

All the man bubbles return to the room and stand in the front of the classroom. Ms. Noe Tall now points at the female bubble, sadly frowning with shoulders slumped.

“Not so the female bubble,” Ms. Tall says. “Let’s talk about this pathetic little entity.”

The female bubble notices the man bubbles sneering. In unison, they chant, “Nya nya nya nya nya nya.”

Ms. Noe Tall glares at them and they immediately stand still as if reprimanded.

Then she continues. “Ms. Woman Gas, like the man bubble, gathers her forces…”

Female bubble buddies appear, two scrawny, but feisty little drips.

Ms. Noe Tall continues. “…with gas bubbles as big and strong as any man’s…”

Man gas bubbles roll their eyes. But Ms. Noe Tall continues. “…BUT standing at the entrance to her outside world is the GAS PATROL.”

In mockery, the man bubbles say, “Oooh, Ooooh!”

Nothing happens. The class is confused. “What’s the Gas Patrol, Ms. Noe Tall?” they want to know. At the question, the Gas Patrol enters the room with arms crossed over her chest.

Ms. Noe Tall sneers. “One terrifying monster monitor, who spies on her little gas buddies, watching with anger as they approach her gate.”

Female gas bubbles rush toward the door.

“She sees them coming, then takes her stance, holds out her hands, and screams…”

The Gas Patrol hurries to the front of the class, holds out her hands and screams, “HALT!”

Ms. Noe Tall continues. “And sometimes she screams…”

On cue, the Gas Patrol screams, “GO BACK! GO BACK! We’re in a restaurant! No! No! Not tonight! She’s on a date.”

“And those little bubbles start pleading with her…”

One female bubble pleads, “Please let us out!”

Ms. Tall interrupts. “…until finally she can stand it no longer and she says…”

The Gas Patrol relents. “OK, but only one of you can go.”

The little gas ladies smirk as they agree, but as one little gas bubble squeezes her way outside, two more butt to the head of the line. One bubble stands at the door as two more gas bubbles race to her side, all attempting to squeeze their way through the doorway.

Ms. Tall announces, “and as they force themselves out… ”

The Gas Patrol slams the door and says, “That does it, you devious little dervishes. See if I let you out again.”

And the remaining female gas bubbles retreat in silence, defeated.

“And that, Boys and Girls, is the REAL difference between Men and Women. Those poor little gas bubbles stay there, all bottled up with nowhere to go.”

Ms. Noe Tall looks directly into the eyes of each of the little man gas bubbles before she continues. “And that is why we sometimes get a little angry. That is why we sometimes get a little upset. That is why we sometimes HATE YOU! That is why women are RAGING INFERNOS.”

Ms. Noe Tall composes herself as she gently brushes aside the hair that has fallen into her eyes and asks quietly, “Does anybody have any questions?”

And that’s when the man gas bubbles exploded in a deafening roar.

Case closed.