Marriage, Mothers-in-Law and Alter Egos?

Last night, I turned on the TV and tuned into an episode of Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta.  On this episode, a bride-to-be brought with her to the bridal salon the usual entourage of insult-hurling best friends, siblings and family members plus her mother and her mother’s alter ego, Twanda.   Yep, you read that right. Her mother had two personalities, and Twanda—the pushy personality—insisted on coming with the rest of the bridal party to impart her fashion wisdom on her other personality’s daughter.  I truly thought this shopping excursion would not go well because Twanda and the mother personality couldn’t agree on anything, and this made it tough for the bride-to-be to find a dress that appealed to both “women.”

But miracles happen, and the mom and Twanda compromised on a lacey, A-line frock with a blingy belt for the bride who by the way when seeking opinions would ask, “Mom, what do you think?”  And after Mom #1 gave an answer, she would ask again, “Twanda, what do you think?” And then everyone sat in silence and waited while Twanda emerged from whatever dark place she came from to give her take on the dress.

An aside on this odd shopping event: those bridal shop people were amazing. They stayed calm, cool and collected and not one of them either ran from the store in fear or refused to wait on Twanda.  But there was a hefty commission hanging in the balance, and perhaps Twanda was paying for the dress, so they just went along with the madness and buckled up for the bumpy ride.

As I watched and listened to the mom and Twanda “argue” about their dress preferences, I started to worry about the fiancé who is okay with marrying into this circus world.  This spooky family dynamic got me thinking about potential hazards engaged people face, and I have come up with a short list of mother-in-law warning signs that might sound the alarm for a couple’s future.

Here we go. You should reconsider walking down the aisle if:

• You notice your future mother-in-law has made new dolls that not only look a lot like you but already have pins stuck into body areas that correspond to your major organs.
• You hear your future mother-in-law call dibs on the master bedroom and bath in your new house
• Your future mother-in-law’s favorite TV shows are Wives with Knives, Monster-In-Law, Evil Kin (all ID Channel classics)–and most alarming if you’re the guy—Extreme Cougars.
• Your future mother-in-law refers to your wedding day as her own personal apocalypse.
• Your future mother-in-law talks about the importance of you obtaining a million dollar life insurance policy with her as beneficiary before the wedding.

And finally,

• Your future mother-in-law still sets up your betrothed on blind dates just in case someone better is out there.