Are Those Ear Drops In Your Eyes? | HumorOutcasts

Are Those Ear Drops In Your Eyes?

April 25, 2016
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MedicineDropperIn the spring of 1980 I watched my father administer ear drops into his own eye, and I did nothing to stop him.  Call it a sixth sense, or the hope that my father’s inability to let someone else be ill without stealing the show would finally teach him a lesson, but I knew from the moment he walked into our kitchen what he was going to do.  And I let it happen.

My father was a medical chameleon.  He would take on, or top, the symptoms of anyone nearby who was legitimately ailing.  If he was near someone who had a cold, he had the flu.  If he met someone who had arthritis, he cried out in pain as he shook their hand.  He would limp, slump, wince, or wail his way through any crowd if he thought it would gain him sympathy points.

While my father collected infirmities like stamps, it was rare that my mother ever acknowledged anyone as truly sick, especially her children.  Usually only excessive bleeding or unconsciousness warranted a trip to the doctor.  If you were simply doubled over in pain, or vomiting profusely, she would give you some old, expired medicine that had been prescribed long ago, most likely for some other member of our large family.

This collection of poorly marked, dangerously outdated prescription medication was kept in our kitchen, on the first shelf of the cabinet that held our everyday dishware.  Most of the bottles were dark and small, with unintelligible labels that were badly stained by the very medicine they served to contain.

To further complicate matters, my mother was legally blind due to a genetic disorder that claimed most of her vision by the time she was fifty.  Many times I stood hacking, or wheezing, or shivering in the kitchen, while my mother held medicine bottle after medicine bottle centimeters from her eyes saying, “No, not this one.”  Finally, she would either tire from the routine figuring the medicine was so old what difference would it make, or she would actually stumble across the right one.

On this particular morning, I awoke with a severe earache that called for a visit to Ann Roney, Blind Amateur Pharmacist.  By sheer luck she was able to locate an actual bottle of ear drops that were clearly marked and fairly new.

After she administered the medication, I sat down to eat my cereal at the opposite end of the table from my next oldest sister.  Neither of us were big morning talkers, so we ate in amicable silence.

Until my father moseyed in.

He was awful in the morning; cheerful, talkative, interactive.  All the things I was not.  Most school mornings in our house were a toxic mix of grumpy teenagers and a meddlesome parent.

Instinctively, I hunched over my cereal, shooting my sister a quick eye roll when I noticed something off to my right.  It was the bottle of ear drops sitting on the counter where my mother had left them.

My father pulled up right next to them and very deliberately removed his glasses – an early and clear indication that he thought those ear drops were eye drops.

I drew a quick breath, contemplating a warning.  But, then, a pause.

Sometime between the moment my father crossed the threshold of our kitchen and the moment his stare fell on that brown bottle with the black squeeze-dropper top, he had self-diagnosed an eye problem.  It was as if he had walked into the kitchen, seen the medicine bottle, and thought ‘Oh, yeah, my eyes hurt.’

This bothered me.  There was nothing wrong with my father’s eyes.  And why assume a bottle of medicine goes in your eyes and not your ears?  Or your nose?  Or on a flesh wound?

Maybe he needs to learn a lesson, a voice whispered from deep within.  We both know there’s nothing wrong with him.  He’s as healthy as a horse.

My father took a tissue from a box on the counter and crumpled it softly under his left eye, preparing to catch the teary run-off.  Little did any of us know how saturated that tissue would soon become as he cried tears of genuine, raw agony.

I looked across the table at my sister.  She stared back at me with wide-eyed wonder.  Her look said ‘you’re not going to let this happen, are you?’  I shot back a look of my own that warned ‘Keep your mouth shut if you know what’s good for you!’

The voice inside returned with a calming message.  Let it play out.  We all want to see what happens when your father puts ear medicine in his own eye.  Sit back and enjoy.

And that’s exactly what I did.

As soon as that first drop touched my father’s cornea he knew he’d made an awful, awful mistake.

“Oh, Jesus Christ!” he shouted.  “What the hell’d I put in my eye?!”

In the back of the kitchen, my mother, who’d been standing over the sink with her back to all of this, reacted in the only way she knew how.  She started screaming.

My father took a quick break from his cries of pain to look at the bottle.  For the first time, it should be noted.

“Ear drops?!” he yelled incredulously.  “Holy shit!  What the hell are these ear drops doing on the counter?!”

I attempted to stand and lend a hand, but waves of uncontrollable laughter erupted from nowhere.  I fell to a knee as I struggled to breathe.

Tears of pain streamed down my father’s face while my mother attempted to console him.

“Take it easy, Jack.” she kept saying.  “What did you do?”

“Somebody left these Goddamn ear drops on the counter and I thought they were my eye drops,” he answered.  “Now I’m gonna go blind!”

With one arm around my father and another angrily waving at me to stop laughing, my mother walked him over to the kitchen sink to flush his eye with cool water.

My sister couldn’t believe what had happened.  She stared with concern at my wailing father.  But when she looked down at me, rolling on the ground with breathless laughter, she, too, gave in to the hilarity of the event.

Soon we were both wiping tears from our own, healthy eyes.

Exactly when my father regained his vision is unclear.  Most likely it was as soon as he opened his eye.  Just in case, he wore a homemade eye patch of gauze and medical tape for the next 3 days.

Am I ashamed that I neglected to stop my father from administering ear drops into his own eye?  Not really.  I like to think I helped teach him a valuable lesson.

Always read labels.

Steve Roney

Steve Roney is a writer and improviser who lives outside of Philadelphia. Some of his work has been heard on national radio broadcasts, and appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer. Steve has been a cast member of ComedySportz Philadelphia for 15 years.

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20 Responses to Are Those Ear Drops In Your Eyes?

  1. Deb Martin-Webster
    May 2, 2016 at 11:23 am

    Steve, this is one of those, “Wait . . For . . . It” moments that’s rarely witnessed by kids. My stomach is aching from laughing so hard! Great story!!

  2. Steve Langford
    April 27, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    I hope your father presses charges. You seem like a real hooligan. Are you there, sour? I want you to go to jail. Did you kill my dog? I miss you Coal.

  3. Sean Roach
    April 27, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    You kill me brother! I cried with laughter just reading it. Apparently, I am just like your father. No one gets as sick as I do in my household. My wife rolls her eyes every time I’m complaining, and I say, “try being me for 30 seconds, you’ll see”, to which she replies, “no thanks.”

  4. April 27, 2016 at 9:13 am

    Letting things play out is one of my own favorite pastimes. Maybe that just comes with being a humorist? (Welcome to the party, Steve.)

    • Steve Roney
      April 27, 2016 at 11:23 am

      Hey, we just report the facts!

  5. Mary Robak
    April 26, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    Very funny Stephen I can’t believe you did that to your Dad.

  6. April 26, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Hypochondria never looked or sounded so good, Steve! And welcome to HO! You (and I’ll bet your family, albeit they might not know it) are hilarious!

    • Steve Roney
      April 26, 2016 at 8:39 pm

      Thanks, Cathy. There were a lot of laughs in our house growing up.

  7. Kathy Minicozzi
    April 26, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Your mother reminds me of my maternal grandmother. She didn’t have old prescription medication in the cupboard, probably because she and my grandfather never went to the doctor if they could help it. Grandma was a strong believer in home remedies. For years, she tried to cure my teenage acne with boric acid solution. The fact that it never worked didn’t discourage her in the least. I’m lucky I didn’t end up with acne scars!!

    • Steve Roney
      April 26, 2016 at 8:38 pm

      Nothing like home remedies… though the boric-acid-on-acne thing may have been a stretch.

  8. Denise McGonigal
    April 26, 2016 at 12:47 pm

    Oh Steve, so darn funny! And since the one thing Dad could always do was laugh at himself, I’m sure he’s up in heaven enjoying this story. Love, Your Fifth Oldest Sister!

  9. April 26, 2016 at 10:10 am

    I see a future sitcom about your family life. Your dad sounds hilarious. One of my British friends told me years ago the name for your father’s “illness” – Man Flu.

    • Steve Roney
      April 26, 2016 at 8:34 pm

      “Man Flu”… That sounds about right!

  10. Keith Stewart
    April 25, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    As we say in Kentucky, bless his heart!

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      April 26, 2016 at 1:53 pm

      We used to say this in Yakima, Washington, too. I think that expression migrated west with the pioneers.

    • Steve Roney
      April 26, 2016 at 8:33 pm

      I say that now, Keith. (Not so much back when I was a teenager.)

  11. Bill Spencer
    April 25, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Thanks for the lesson. Eye hear you.

    • Steve Roney
      April 25, 2016 at 10:14 pm

      Nicely done, Bill!

  12. April 25, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    So, you laughed as your father went blind? Is that the gist of this? I laughed out loud reading this tale so I am no better!

    • Steve Roney
      April 25, 2016 at 10:16 pm

      I laughed as my father THOUGHT he went blind. Big difference!



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