Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero?

All my heroes are the great scientists, artists and philosophers of our world.

Here are my favourites:

Leonardo DiCaprio: I don’t have to tell you how wonderful the Mona Lisa is. You’ve seen it in its little plastic carrying case at the Loo in Paris. And to win an Academy Award for Best Painting? Bonus, man. It’s not even a movie.

René Angélil: I see now why he married Celine Dion. It allowed him to invent the dictum, “I sing, pound my chest and cry at every stupid little thing, therefore I am.”

It changed how man thinks of himself, and allowed us to cry over vinegar-soaked french fries.

Weird Albert Yankovic: What a down-to-earth dude, being so smart and letting everyone call him Weird Al. His famous equation, E = MC2, tells us that a Krispy Kreme donut holds enough energy to build a condo in Florida, live an obese life and conceal a gun in your belly.

Perhaps his best discovery is that our universe is actually a parody of an older, much more serious universe. There is no movie called Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo in that universe.

Wayne Newton: Newton discovered gravity when he realized his cheeks were moving in unison with the tides.

Then he discovered the Laws of Motion, the most important one being the “Conservation of your Face” with plastic.

Charles In Charge: Evolution is still controversial, but Charles discovered that life is one big, badly-written sitcom evolving towards cancellation very soon. Creationists point to the Shroud of Joanie Loves Chachi to prove God is the sitcom producer, and He’s very unhappy with the ratings.

I honour them all.