A new year means it’s time to make predictions, but I have no interest in predicting the easy and obvious stuff. For example, various news outlets are predicting that the House’s first step in 2016 will be overhauling or undoing Obamacare. Well, duhhh! Ben Carson has pointed out that it’s worse that slavery, and he’s right. Whenever I sign a check for a policy that costs me far less than what it used to, it’s like I can feel the sting of a master’s whip across my back. Predictions like that are so easy they’re boring.
So here are my bold and exciting predictions for 2016:
Politics
Donald trump will run the table, winning primary after primary. But everything will come apart when it emerges that he is the father of one of his own grandchildren.
Ben Carson will release a How-To book titled It’s Not Brain Surgery: How To Use A Presidential Campaign To Sell Motivational Memoirs And Other Useless Junk.
Entertainment
Bill Cosby will flee to Syria and join ISIS because their standards for treating women are far more lenient.
Climate
After the biggest tornado ever recorded wipes out the eastern half of the state, Texas will start to address climate change by further loosening gun regulations.
Film
Harrison Ford will test positive for steroid use, thereby threatening the reputation of the Stars Wars franchise. This will happen shortly after people start questioning why Chewbacca is so big and hairy.
Humor
Despite the economy having gone from being in crisis to being on far sounder footing, President Obama will continue to face people who think a black man cannot be a legitimate president, let alone an excellent one. Through the White House Correspondents dinners the president has proven to be quite adept at humor. So, just to have a little fun with racist fools, Obama on his last day in office will quietly release a version of this charming photo:
Slightly altered to look like this:
Might as well have some fun on the way out.
It’s clear you got some Christmas prescience.
That is above and beyond the pun skill of most humans