New York City recently passed a new law that requires all single-occupant restrooms citywide to be designated as gender-neutral. These unisex restrooms are being described as another step toward becoming a place where all can live with dignity, free from fear and free from judgment.
As much as anyone I would never want a person to be mistreated because they view themselves in a manner that someone else does not understand or accept.
However, there has to be a better solution to this problem especially if the next big resolution is a move to create multi-occupant gender neutral restrooms as some people are already suggesting. I’m sure these well-intentioned folks envision large restrooms with no urinals but plenty of private stalls where people can use the toilet discretely in the way that conforms to their gender identity.
Anybody who believes that this Utopian concept of offensive-free lavatories is possible has never been in a public men’s restroom at a major sporting event especially one in which alcohol is being served.
The issue is not about keeping transgender people out of the restroom of their choice. The reason men’s restrooms exist, as well as other dedicated areas for men, is to keep men themselves separate from other civilized and mostly human creatures.
This is because men are basically Neanderthals who happen to wear khakis.
Please allow me to enlighten my progressive, elbow patch-wearing, and NPR listening friends as to what it is really like to be in a large restroom with thirty testosterone fueled and drunk Neanderthal men. What follows is not only a politically incorrect description of what can happen in a men’s room but a depiction of male behavior that can only be described as repugnant. If you are easily offended now would be a good time to stop reading.
You walk into the men’s lavatory and there is a man in the center of the room, with his pants down to his knees, adjusting the position of his balls. He is shouting to his friend who is propped up against a urinal, simultaneously pissing, hacking up mucus from his throat, and spitting it down into his urine stream. The two men’s conversation is a variety of sentence fragments loaded with profound sporting insights such as:
“You know we f**king got this game man, our defense is just too awesome dude, we’re gonna kick their ass…”
Having been greeted in this manner upon your entrance you decide that you would be better off using a stall, so you walk over to one and try to open the door while touching as little as possible. What is inside of the stall is a urine drenched toilet that probably has not been flushed in about the last ten uses.
At that moment you have a little debate with yourself:
“Is it more likely that something will splash up on me if I use the toilet as it is, or if I flush it first?”
This is a fateful decision that no human being should ever be forced to make. You lift your foot and using the tip of your shoe you nudge the handle and stand back. After the toilet flushes you do your business. You notice that the room is getting louder and seems much busier. When you open the stall door there is a man standing there, with a blank expression on his face similar to the one your dog makes while defecating in the backyard, waiting for you to come out. You utter, “Excuse me,” as you walk around him. He does not respond as he steps into your stall and immediately begins urinating with door wide open.
As you make your way to the sink you notice that lines are forming at the toilets. You begin washing your hands. A man steps up next to you at the adjoining sink. He drops his shorts exposing his hairy ass and man-bush.
This is an image that you will never be able to get out of your mind. When you are ninety years old and on your death bed you will still be struggling with it. What happens next is even worse.
The man next to you then begins urinating directly into the sink. This is what drunken Neanderthals do when they feel the need to urinate and all the toilets are taken. They simply use the next available plumbing fixture. This is precisely why drinking fountains are always located outside of the entrance to the men’s room and not inside of it. Otherwise, you would be taking a drink out of what would amount to a toilet. You realize of course that you did in fact just wash your hands in a urinal.
I’m a man and I do not want to be in a public restroom with other men. I would not recommend going into a restroom with men for any woman, boy, girl, transgendered, neutered, or for any person falling under any other classification of gender.
Actually, referring to men as Neanderthals might be an insult to Neanderthals because as primitive men go Neanderthals were fairly sophisticated. Most modern men, especially gathered in mass inside public restrooms, represent a retrograde in evolution.
Let’s get back to the gender neutral single-occupant bathroom requirement in NYC and in other areas considering this move. Ladies, do you have trouble telling your man at home to stop missing the toilet and to put the seat back down? Try telling that to dozens of men passing through city hall every hour.
In the meantime be sure to pack plenty of Sani-wipes in your purse. You are going to need them.