A Briefer, Intelligenter History of Time, Part Two

In our last installment, God created the universe. He worked his way up the food chain until he drove his greatest idea, dinosaurs, firmly into the ground. So far into the ground, in fact, that they would appear to be over 200 million years old when, in actuality, it happened 4000 years ago.

Now, let’s continue our voyage of Creative Science.

God, Age 30

Ten years have passed since God did smite everything that was now shallow and pedantic. The world was blank and new again, the possibilities were endless, and God could not think of a fucking thing to put down onto it.

He slept in late, jerked off, made some coffee, jerked off, pushed some glaciers around, jerked off, jerked off, pushed the glaciers around some more with one hand while–you know–with the other, and all he had to show for it were broken up continents and one plesiosaur in Scotland that he kept around to remember the salad days with.

He briefly flirted with the idea of dinosaurs that turn into robots, but wrote them off as “too Japanese” and “still goddamn dinosaurs.” But, maybe that’s the answer: to rework the dinosaur format until something new evolved.

God, Age 40

Ten years of putting fur on dinosaurs and generally not giving a shit had become known as the Ice Age or “His Mid-Life Crisis.”

While everyone agreed that the saber-toothed cat was pretty cool, its giant tusks were definitely compensating for something. Mammoth trunks seemed a little too pubic with the fur. And giant sloths? What the fuck were those about?

But, then he did look into the mirror and see the folly of clinging to youth. Also, he kind of looked like a monkey …

God, Age 45

Five years of nesting between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, and God had created the perfect nursery for his first “smaller selves.” Into the garden did step Track and Trig, as early humans were named. There, they tended the decidedly tamer animals, like bunnies and kitty cats, and watered the flowers.

And then they started doing it. In front of God of everybody, just like the dogs that he had adapted from dire wolves. As it was his first time chastising things instead of having them eaten, God tried the “scared straight” method.

When they responded to this by wearing clothes and talking about apples like they were dangerous, God realized he had given them the world’s first complex as a result of bad parenting. Track and Trig left the garden, walloping animals, skinning them and wearing their fur on their way.

Track also got Trig pregnant, so God figured this would be as good a time as any to make more humans so we wouldn’t get too inbred. You know, except for those times when people screw their cousins anyway.

Jesus, Age 2000

So, about 2000 years into the whole “intelligent design” thing, God decided to take a trip to see the world he had created, up close and personal. He knew the platypus was pretty messed up when he made it evolve, but figured it must be downright trippy, like, in petting range.

As he was born to some unwed teenager in a podunk desert farming town, he looked around and thought, “Well, what could go wrong?”