Alec Baldwin is a dick. He knows he’s a dick. Everyone who has sniffed the downwind of his previous antics is fully aware he’s a dick. And anyone caught in the upwind of his current shit storm, also knows he’s a dick.
I don’t mind that Alec Baldwin is a dick, but I wish he’d own up to it. I wish he’d rise above all the other dicks and spurt out, “I’m the biggest dick of them all!” But that may never happen.
His recent dick duel with American Airlines is not shocking. It’s merely a change of scenery. Instead of acting like a dick on a sidewalk, or a dick in a building, Baldwin acted like a dick on an airplane. Then he was promptly removed from the plane, causing a media backlash, which in turn wounded Baldwin’s ego, and more specifically, bruised his dick since Alec felt he got fucked over.
To combat the onslaught of scrutiny and disdain, Baldwin took to his Huffington Post blog issuing two faux apologies. Both of which he plagiarized from the Dick Manifesto, which states: Dicks should never own up to being dicks. Here’s an excerpt:
I don’t know who Alec Baldwin’s press agent is, but I’m certain he/she is doing a shitty job. That too is not shocking given the fact that Celebrity Dicks tend to hire NonDick press agents in order to snake charm the media via the old yin/yang formula:
Celeb’s Action = Fuck shit up.
Celeb’s [Issued by Press Agent] Reaction = Sorry I fucked shit up.
Me, I’m a dick. Not a nondick. And as a dick, If I were Baldwin’s press agent I’d of written his HuffPo apology for him, saturated it in the stench of honesty,
and it’d go like this:
I’m Alec Baldwin. I’m a dick. I’ve always been a dick. Riches and fame have zero to do with my dickish behavior. If I were poor and unknown I’d still be a dick.
Recently on a flight, I was ordered to shut off my phone, yet at the same time, several other dicks were still using their phones. That enraged me. I was getting dicked over and it felt like I was the only dick being singled out. So yes, I acted like a dick, because I am a dick. I apologize to the flight attendants and to the passengers for being a dick. Sorry.
Hey Alec, call me!