Alec Baldwin is a Dick | HumorOutcasts

Alec Baldwin is a Dick

December 8, 2011

Alec Baldwin is a dick. He knows he’s a dick. Everyone who has sniffed the downwind of his previous antics is fully aware he’s a dick. And anyone caught in the upwind of his current shit storm, also knows he’s a dick.

I don’t mind that Alec Baldwin is a dick, but I wish he’d own up to it. I wish he’d rise above all the other dicks and spurt out, “I’m the biggest dick of them all!” But that may never happen.

His recent dick duel with American Airlines is not shocking. It’s merely a change of scenery. Instead of acting like a dick on a sidewalk, or a dick in a building, Baldwin acted like a dick on an airplane. Then he was promptly removed from the plane, causing a media backlash, which in turn wounded Baldwin’s ego, and more specifically, bruised his dick since Alec felt he got fucked over.

To combat the onslaught of scrutiny and disdain, Baldwin took to his Huffington Post blog issuing two faux apologies. Both of which he plagiarized from the Dick Manifesto, which states: Dicks should never own up to being dicks. Here’s an excerpt:

Alec Baldwin American Airlines Apology

I don’t know who Alec Baldwin’s press agent is, but I’m certain he/she is doing a shitty job. That too is not shocking given the fact that Celebrity Dicks tend to hire NonDick press agents in order to snake charm the media via the old yin/yang formula:

Celeb’s Action = Fuck shit up.

Celeb’s [Issued by Press Agent] Reaction = Sorry I fucked shit up.

Me, I’m a dick. Not a nondick. And as a dick, If I were Baldwin’s press agent I’d of written his HuffPo apology for him, saturated it in the stench of honesty,
and it’d go like this:

My Wishful Alec Baldwin Apology Issued By Press Agent

I’m Alec Baldwin. I’m a dick. I’ve always been a dick. Riches and fame have zero to do with my dickish behavior. If I were poor and unknown I’d still be a dick.

Recently on a flight, I was ordered to shut off my phone, yet at the same time, several other dicks were still using their phones. That enraged me. I was getting dicked over and it felt like I was the only dick being singled out. So yes,  I acted like a dick, because I am a dick. I apologize to the flight attendants and to the passengers for being a dick. Sorry.
Hey Alec, call me!

Charlie Kazfranco

Accustomed to there never being a clean spork around when I need one most. Frequent contributor to global warming and Time Soak Dot Com.

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5 Responses to Alec Baldwin is a Dick

  1. jenner
    December 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    In truth, Baldwin is a dick and if it wasn’t for ignorant Americans throwing hard-earned money at his stupid film and tv projects he would be a useless and unknown dick.

  2. December 9, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    LOL LOL LOL Baldwin! Very funny! Very true too!

  3. Dionne
    December 8, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Very funny. I love the ‘spurt’ reference, very vivid imagery 🙂 If I was a dick celebrity, I would certainly hire you.

  4. Kathy Minicozzi
    December 8, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    What is it with Alec Baldwin and poor working service people? He gave a Starbucks barista a hard time, too.

    By the way, how many times do you use the word “dick” in this piece? Just curious, but too lazy to count them myself.

    • December 9, 2011 at 2:45 pm

      Kathy, I’ll count the dicks for you.
      MENTIONS of Dick 36 +Alec Baldwin(added because he is a dick) 6 +Me (added because I’ve been told by dicks, that I’m a dick) 1 | TOTAL =43 dicks.
      But that doesn’t include dicking, dickish, etc… I wish I could edit this post and add more dicks.

      Dionne, when you become a dick, call me. Yes.

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