You get old, you shrink. That’s an irrefutable fact.
Your tiny grandma is living proof of that. You didn’t account for this? Oh dear. Probably best to STOP putting aside garments for a ‘retirement wardrobe’. Unless you have been buying baby-gro’s and toddler pants. The crap is unlikely to fit you when you’re 70. Oh, and here’s some more bad news…you didn’t realise it, but if you’re over 30…..YOU’RE probably one of those shrinking old people.
Yes. Like, now!
Fresh out of Harvard, a study found that people can start shrinking a tiny bit as early as 30…losing up to a quarter of an inch to one-third of an inch every ten years. If it doesn’t happen to you at 30, it will almost certainly start by 40. You can’t fight this. Pouring coffee up your ass will not defeat the inevitable. Not only are you going to struggle to get that wang working, but you’ll be lucky to reach the damn magazine, to be able to purchase the material you will need, in order to work it.
In the study, men lost an average of 1.2 inches from age 30 to 70, and were down an average of two inches by the age of 80. Women lost two inches from 30 to 70, and 3.1 inches by age 80.
It’s not a mystery why this happens. It’s very biological; the disks between our vertebrae very gradually lose fluid and flatten out, our muscles lose mass, and the arches of the feet flatten out a little bit.
Also, yep, you guessed it. All the fun things we do…which boring people refer to as ‘bad habits’, make the shrinking happen faster. Cigarettes, alcohol, extreme weight fluctuations, and lots of caffeine, can all speed up height loss.
So, don’t do ANYTHING fun, lay down on your back all day, hammer some tiling separators into your spine, and try and somehow find some very small shoes that mess with your arches, and you can at least stay a little taller, for a little longer.
You know.
Until you die.
This is terrible news for my mother who has been 5’2″ for most of her adult 77 years. When it hits, it will hit hard. She’s likely to lose 3 inches next year. I’ll warn her. Thanks 😉
My brit hubby says he was 2 inches taller before we got married. He tellings me if I would get off his bloody back he’d regain them, hmm . . . I say, rubbish!
This was a very interesting- pardon me, could you reach that plate up there for me? Thanks. — sorry, where was I? Right. This was an interesting article…
Gee, my daughter might disappear then by the time she is 30. I will pass this great news of shrinking onto her very petite self. 🙂
Your daughter will be ok, provided she sleeps upside down. That will also stop her getting pregnant. Two birds, one stone. This is why I should have been an advice columnist.
What a great idea! I will pass this birth control information on to her. Gee, it’s even better than the Catholic Church’s advice. You are good.
Damn, you mean my investment in a medieval rack is a waste of money? Gee, the guy who sold it to me said just 3 hours a day and you’d never shrink. 🙂
Ted, it sounds to me like you’ve been talking to the same guy who used to try to convince me that Nokia was the only brand you should be looking at for phone purchases. These people are out to get you Ted. Be careful out there.