You get old, you shrink. That’s an irrefutable fact.
Your tiny grandma is living proof of that. You didn’t account for this? Oh dear. Probably best to STOP putting aside garments for a ‘retirement wardrobe’. Unless you have been buying baby-gro’s and toddler pants. The crap is unlikely to fit you when you’re 70. Oh, and here’s some more bad news…you didn’t realise it, but if you’re over 30…..YOU’RE probably one of those shrinking old people.
Yes. Like, now!
Fresh out of Harvard, a study found that people can start shrinking a tiny bit as early as 30…losing up to a quarter of an inch to one-third of an inch every ten years. If it doesn’t happen to you at 30, it will almost certainly start by 40. You can’t fight this. Pouring coffee up your ass will not defeat the inevitable. Not only are you going to struggle to get that wang working, but you’ll be lucky to reach the damn magazine, to be able to purchase the material you will need, in order to work it.
In the study, men lost an average of 1.2 inches from age 30 to 70, and were down an average of two inches by the age of 80. Women lost two inches from 30 to 70, and 3.1 inches by age 80.
It’s not a mystery why this happens. It’s very biological; the disks between our vertebrae very gradually lose fluid and flatten out, our muscles lose mass, and the arches of the feet flatten out a little bit.
Also, yep, you guessed it. All the fun things we do…which boring people refer to as ‘bad habits’, make the shrinking happen faster. Cigarettes, alcohol, extreme weight fluctuations, and lots of caffeine, can all speed up height loss.
So, don’t do ANYTHING fun, lay down on your back all day, hammer some tiling separators into your spine, and try and somehow find some very small shoes that mess with your arches, and you can at least stay a little taller, for a little longer.
Until you die.