So I was watching some religious programming on The Smithsonian Channel, and as I mentioned earlier, God was so surprised that Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge, and just so steamed at that nasty Satan – that he told Satan he must crawl about on his belly like a snake for all of his days. That would show him!
Later in the show, the story of Job is detailed. Job was a successful guy – lots of kids, land, livestock, flat panels TVs. He was very pious – President of the God fan club. Satan (the guy who was supposed to be slithering around on his belly forever for being such a trickster of gullible children) makes a bet with God that Job would curse his name and pretty much renounce God if he lost everything he had. I mean, Evander Holyfield had a lot of good stuff to say about God back when he could still win boxing matches, and before he became familiar with the paternity laws of Georgia.
Anyway, God didn’t need to prove himself to the slithering Satan, right? So he told him to slither off to the woods and screw himself, and leave this fine man, Job, to himself.
Actually, that’s not what happened. God took the bet. And let Satan do what he wanted to his favorite human. Satan killed his 10 kids and his livestock, smashed his big screen with a Wii remote, and drank his last beer. Job still stuck with God. This is what’s called an enabler. A doormat.
God pointed to his star pupil smugly (why does he need validation from Satan? Seems a bit insecure. Or is it pride?), and let Satan continue by physically punishing Job. Basically, he fucks him up pretty good. And though Job’s wife tells him to curse God and pretty much stop seeing him, Job still keeps his faith. But this is back when wives didn’t pretty much make all the rules in the house. These days, if you want to let your drunk loser friend sleep on the couch for more than one night while he gets on his feet… Well, things are quickly going to get ugly around the home.
So Job sticks with his God, wondering what it is that he had done wrong. Today they call this “Battered Wife Syndrome”. God’s response? “Have you ever had to create a planet, have to control weather and answer prayers and all that? Then keep quiet! I’m going to let evil stuff happen and that’s just too bad for you and your tiny brain!” Seriously, that was the response. OK, I am paraphrasing. I saw something similar in a made-for-TV movie with Meredith Baxter-Birney. She was getting beaten by her drunk, abusive husband, and he said, “Do you have any idea how much pressure there is on me at the steel mill? Then shut the hell up! I’ll come home when I feel like it!” Of course, I think she blew him away with a handgun, so it didn’t quite end the same.
Back to the story: So since Job took his beating as directed, God let him live for 140 more years and let him have 10 more kids with his wife. Sounds like a happy ending, right? Well, I’m sure his wife was just thrilled to have to go through 10 more pregnancies. Do you know how hot it is in that part of the world? And sure, God let Satan kill Job’s 10 kids, but he gave him 10 more, so they’re cool, right?