The Savior | HumorOutcasts

The Savior

April 26, 2011
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“Master, we have followed you for years, when will we experience this Kingdom of which you speak?”
“Yeah, are we going to get castles?”
“And servants! I want some servants…”

“My children, we are building the Kingdom as we speak. You gave your wealth to the needy. You sheltered the homeless. You successfully boosted capital gains taxes. These things are rewards unto themselves. Didn’t that feel good?”

“Well, kinda. But only because I thought I was getting a castle.”
“Is this Kingdom going to be free from drought and pestilence?”

“No, those shall remain.”

“How about earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis? Will we still have those?”

“Yes, those shall remain. But with hard work, we can reduce leprosy to the margins of fairy tales.”

“Huh? None of this stuff sounds like a Kingdom to me.”
“Me neither!”

“You see my children, I speak figuratively. I refer to a Kingdom where man helps one another, we tend to the earth, and are not just in it for ourselves.”

“Figura-what?”
“There’s no real Kingdom?”
“SON OF A BITCH!”
“We’ve been following you around, washing your feet and assisting your magic tricks just so that we can be nice to one another?!?”

“I would not put it that way, but…”

“GET HIM!”
“KILL HIM!!!”

“Wait…um…my Kingdom is not of this world.”

“We’re listening…”

“Um…once I die, everyone will live forever and not perish. Yeah, eternal life. In a paradise. With harps and stuff.”

“Harps?”

“I mean beer. Lots of beer.”

“Well that sounds more like it!”
“Why didn’t you tell us this before?”

“Well, it was…a surprise.”

“And we’ll start living forever right after you die?”

“Yes, my son.”

“GET HIM!”
“KILL HIM!!”

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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2 Responses to The Savior

  1. April 26, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    I loved this the first time I read it. I still love it. 🙂

  2. April 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    a Kingdom with lots of beer? Sign me up!



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