Handicapping the Republican Presidential Field for 2012 | HumorOutcasts

Handicapping the Republican Presidential Field for 2012

April 26, 2011
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The year 2012 is gradually getting closer, and it’s never too early to start analyzing the Presidential candidates for the next general election. I’ve conducted much research into the most likely Republican field and here is what my extensive research has yielded.

Sarah Palin:
Pros: High name recognition.
Cons: Name is recognized as being a crazy idiot.

Michele Bachmann:
Pros: High name recognition.
Cons: Name is recognized only for being crazier than Sarah Palin.

Newt Gingrich :
Pros: He has much experience.
Cons: It’s experience at being a prick.

Mike Huckabee :
Pros: Has a good sense of humor
Cons: He has douchebaggy views on pretty much everything

Haley Barbour :
Pros: Probably makes his own moonshine
Cons: Has to put Mississippi on his resume.

Jeb Bush :
Pros: Bush name
Cons: Bush name

Lindsey Graham:
Pros: Has shown ability to compromise on tough issues
Cons: Republican colleagues don’t ask, and he won’t tell

Bobby Jindal :
Pros: Identified as up-and-coming Republican non-white guy
Cons: Spoke on camera once, and, well…no.

Ron Paul :
Pros: Darling of the internet
Cons: He’s a lunatic

Mike Pence :
Pros: Has direct line to God
Cons: God told him not to run. Ever. For anything.

Tim Pawlenty :
Pros: High name recognition
Cons: Poor face recognition

Mitt Romney :
Pros: Smart, Rich
Cons: Practically the author of dirty rotten “Obamacare”

Rick Santorum :
Pros: I could not come up with a single one.
Cons: He’s a dick.

Donald Trump :
Pros: Donald Trump thinks he has a brilliant mind.
Cons: Everyone else thinks he’s an asshole.

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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4 Responses to Handicapping the Republican Presidential Field for 2012

  1. StephanieQ
    April 27, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    I think CNN should hire you. I would have offered Fox news but I think their first instinct would be to hire a hitman to stop you from talking. Very funny.

  2. April 27, 2011 at 9:49 am

    2012 will be the end of the world…at least, as the Republicans know it!

  3. lbwoodgate
    April 26, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    You’ve nailed it

  4. April 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Your handicapping of the Republican presidential field leaves absolutely no doubt that the Republican presidential field is indeed handicapped. Great work!



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