Frodo Plans a Trip | HumorOutcasts

Frodo Plans a Trip

June 29, 2011
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Wednesday, September 23, 5750, Second Age, 9:43 AM

From:  Middle-Earth Outfitters ernie@meo.com

To:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

Subject:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

We are in receipt of your order.  The following items are being shipped and you should receive them within five business days:

1 MEO SturdyRide Plus™ pony saddle, child size                                              800 Gold Coins

2 MEO SureRide™ saddle bags, midnight black                                                 321 Silver Coins

1 MEO deluxe backpack with fifteen pockets, ruby red/midnight black plaid        20 Gold Coins

 The WaWa Deluxe water bottle in ruby red is on BACKORDER and is expected to ship on October 19.

Our records indicate your shipping and billing address is:

Mr. Frodo Baggins

Bag End, Hobbiton 00112

The Shire

The order will be charged to your credit card ending in ******49 

Thank you for using Middle-Earth Outfitters.  We are happy to serve you. 

Ernabella Toke

Wednesday, September 23, 5750, Second Age, 9:55 AM 

From:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

To:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

Subject:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

 I clicked on a wrong button.  I meant to order a HOBBIT-sized saddle.  I must leave for Rivendell ASAP, and I will need to have a saddle that I can actually sit on.  😉

 You can cancel the water bottle.  By the time it gets here I will be several hundred miles away.

 Thanks.

Wednesday, September 23, 5750, Second Age, 11:07 AM 

From:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

To:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

Subject: RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

 Please accept our apologies.  Some of our best customers are Hobbits, and we are an equal-opportunity seller.  I have contacted our Distribution Center and you will receive a Hobbit-sized pony saddle.

 Please accept the water bottle as a gift from us. 

Do not hesitate to let us know if we can further serve you. 

Ernabella Toke

Monday, September 28, 5750, Second Age, 1:07 PM 

From:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

To:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

Subject: RE:  RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

 I received my shipment.  Just one thing – you sent me a FULL-SIZED ADULT SADDLE for a HORSE!  I am a Hobbit.  I’m short.  I ride ponies.  I don’t have a butt big enough for that humungous contraption and my pony will never speak to me again if I try to put it on his back.

I just want to take a trip to bring a little gold ring to some Elves.  It shouldn’t be this complicated!

One more thing … in the past three days I have received three red water bottles.  I guess they weren’t on backorder after all.  I appreciate the thought, but enough already.

Monday, September 28, 5750, Second Age, 1:33 PM 

From:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

To:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

Subject: RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

Again, our apologies.  We will send you the right saddle ASAP, and the driver will be happy to pick up the one we sent you in error.

You should be receiving no more water bottles.

In the meantime, we are having a very special offer for good customers like you.  This week only we are selling our MEO sturdy brown leather hiking boots for 20 percent off the regular price.

Ernabella Toke

Tuesday, September 29, 5750, Second Age, 4:02 PM 

From:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

To:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

Subject: RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

Having been waiting at home since 8:30 this morning, afraid to even go to the bathroom for fear your driver would ring my bell while I had my pants down at my ankles, I can only say:

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SADDLE??!!!  I WANT MY SADDLE!!!!!!!!!

And why do I now have twelve red water bottles?  They are multiplying like rabbits on my front porch!

Have you ever seen a Hobbit?  We have hairy feet with hard soles.  Most of us don’t wear shoes.  What shit-for-brains told you to offer me hiking boots?

Tuesday, September 29, 5750, Second Age, 4:30 PM 

From:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

To:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

Subject: RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

Your saddle was delivered this afternoon at 3:08 PM and was signed for by “Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.”

We have been experiencing computer glitches, which is why you have been receiving multiple shipments of the water bottle.  I have alerted our Distribution Center.  You should be receiving no more of these.

I am very sorry that you don’t wear shoes.  Would you be interested in our EasyStrider™ walking stick?

Ernabella Toke

Tuesday, September 29, 5750, Second Age, 4:37 PM 

From:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

To:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

Subject: RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

Your driver delivered my saddle to the wrong Bagginses!!  Those are the Sackville-Bagginses!  I hate them and they hate me!  That witch Lobelia looks like a chimpanzee and has the personality of an ax murderer.  Because of you, I now have to go over there, look at that ugly bitch and pry my nice, expensive saddle out of her greedy little hands!

All this because I have one little ring with a curse on it and I have to get it out of The Shire and give it to the Elves!  And there are a bunch of guys on black horses who are looking for me, this great big red eye is out to get me and my friend Gandalf the wizard has gone off somewhere and I don’t know where he is!

Tuesday, September 29, 5750, Second Age, 4:42 PM 

From:  Middle-Earth Outfitters <ernie@meo.com>

To:  Frodo Baggins <frodobaggins@bagend.org>

Subject: RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  RE:  Your Order No. 2854HS90000100000032BE

I just contacted the driver, and he is going to turn around right now, pick up your saddle and bring it to you at the right address.

Please don’t hurt us.

Ernabella Toke

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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3 Responses to Frodo Plans a Trip

  1. lbwoodgate
    June 30, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Very clever

  2. June 29, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Kathy, this was so freaking entertaining. I laughed the whole way through! Very good indeed.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      June 29, 2011 at 12:54 pm

      Yeah. Poor Frodo! If it isn’t a big red eye and a bunch of Black Riders, it’s something else!



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