The Burger Breakdown | HumorOutcasts

The Burger Breakdown

May 12, 2011

A woman who had not eaten an In-N-Out burger for eight years literally cried after taking her first bite of a “double-double” at a grand opening for the burger chain in Texas.  I am astounded by this woman’s commitment to her burger.  I am pretty sure there is not a meat product out there that can bring me to tears.

That being said, I do understand this woman’s emotional turmoil. Even though my tears might not flow for the same reasons as hers,  I can empathize with her need to cry. I have cried tears of joy– mostly after really good sex, and I have cried tears of anguish—mostly after really bad sex.

As I think about this further, I am going to change my stance here. I will still cry after sex, but I don’t understand how someone gets so emotional over a dead cow unless of course, you are mourning the dead cow.  I cannot comprehend how eating a certain food can elicit such over-the-top feelings. If I was a shrink, I would say that this burger was an emotional substitute for something missing in her life – probably, the good sex that drives me to tears.

Then again, who am I to judge? I can drool thinking about an ice cream sundae  or a large pizza with mushrooms. Yes, I can literally lose my ability to speak as I watch the pizza guy dole out the slices to other customers while I wait in line to get mine. But tears – I don’t think so.

If In-N-Out Burger was smart, they would hire this woman and build a national advertising campaign around her and her love for their burgers.  Pay her a huge salary so she can cry on demand. She could go to each restaurant opening and shed tears of jubiliation just as they cut the ribbon.  Yes, this woman is a public relations treasure!

I wonder how much money they would pay her.  Now that I think about it, I could cry for that burger. I could sob and even get my nose to run. I could cry so hard that I would make those little out of breath noises that sound like I’m trying to suck in air. Yes, I could do this, In-N-OutBurger. Have your people call my people.  We can make things happen.

Stephanie Queen

I'm a tough chick and I don't like to share my toys. Be afraid.

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8 Responses to The Burger Breakdown

  1. May 13, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    I’m not sure if any moisture has left my eyes due to food or sex (well, maybe the absence!), but I have certainly drooled a lot! Now music can make me tear up.

    • Stephanie Queen
      May 13, 2011 at 9:07 pm

      Honestly, cupcakes and Italian pastry can make me drool too. It would take the world’s biggest cake for me to cry.

  2. jack_sass
    May 12, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    Maybe the burger had bacon on it? I could almost understand that. 🙂

    • Stephanie Queen
      May 13, 2011 at 9:08 pm

      I don’t get the emotional connection that men have to bacon. It is intriguing but I don’t get it.

  3. May 12, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Sex or burgers. No matter how great, neither has ever made me cry. Now let me tell you about the best bowl of ice cream I ever had after a 12 week layoff. I may have had an out-of-body experience on that first mouthful.

    • Stephanie Queen
      May 13, 2011 at 9:09 pm

      Out-of-body experience! So funny, Matty. I can understand this though. I really can.

  4. May 12, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Like a wise old friend told me once…”Bitches be crazy”.

    • Stephanie Queen
      May 12, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      Yes, that is very true. That is why you should think twice before crossing us.

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