Wedding Dreams and Nightmares

I have become addicted to two wedding-themed shows on television. The first, Say Yes to the Dress, focuses on the sales consultants and clients of Kleinfeld’s, a renowned bridal salon in New York City. During each episode, we are introduced to brides and their entourages who have come to the famous store in search of the perfect bridal dress which is not always easy to find.

Although during some episodes, there are tears and screaming, it is nothing compared to my second favorite wedding show, Bridezillas, which drives home the point that there is someone for everyone in this world even if that someone is a crazy, diva bitch who thinks the world revolves around her.

I don’t know why I watch this show. I think I watch it hoping that the men, who are engaged to these shallow and very scary women, somehow locate their manhood, which obviously has been stolen from them, and tell their fiancées that they won’t be making the trip down the aisle. Every week I watch, and every week I realize that love is blind and that is why divorce law is so lucrative.

I watch Say Yes to the Dress with my daughter. I get nervous watching this show with her because she thinks $4,000 for a wedding dress is the minimum she wants to spend, which requires me to ask, “Have you met your father?” I refuse to watch Bridezillas with her because I am afraid she will look at one of these women and say, “Wow, she is my hero.”

The women on Bridezillas are nothing short of psycho. I know that is not a politically correct term, but that is the only word to describe them. They yell, curse, rant, cry, threaten, cause property damage and scare people to death all because they want to be the star in their own wedding show. I think someone has forgotten to tell these women that the wedding is about marriage and not a chance to be Idi Amin in a dress. And if it’s not the bride screaming and carrying on, it’s the future mother-in-law carrying on about how the bride must have drugged her son to make him marry her. Okay, I tend to stick up for the mother-in-laws here. If I had a son and he came home with one of these Bridezillas, I would have to cut him loose.

Anyway, as we watched the most recent episode of Say Yes to the Dress, my daughter and I chatted about her dream wedding. The problem with us is that we are very different people. While I would choose to get married in a meadow somewhere and have a big picnic for a reception, she is hoping I can convince the President to let us have the Rose Garden. With compromise in mind, I grabbed my laptop and began to search what types of weddings, and what wedding venues east midlands have become popular in recent years.

The Romeo and Juliet Wedding: This is not just two people dressed up like the famous duo. No, this is in Verona, Italy on the actual balcony that inspired Shakespeare to write his masterpiece. There are a few glitches for us with this one. First: We have a tough enough time getting our family to come from New York to Philly to visit us, so I have serious doubts that they would fly to Verona just to see her say her I Do’s. Second: The Romeo and Juliet theme sounds romantic, but let’s think about the plot here. Sure, they were in love, but it didn’t last very long, and they both wound up killing themselves. Call me old-fashioned but a double suicide might cast a shadow over an otherwise enjoyable event.

Movie Theme Weddings: It’s no surprise to me that sci-fi themes are quite a common theme in weddings. A couple can have everything from a Captain Kirk wannabe officiating the ceremony to everyone dressing up in Star Wars outfits. I can’t see my daughter choosing a Star Wars wedding which is sad because I think her father would like to walk her down the aisle wearing a Darth Vader outfit. Also nixed from her movie list are Gone with the Wind and Wizard of Oz themes. Again, the backdrop of blown up bodies or a band of homicidal flying monkeys might not provide the festive ambiance one might want with a wedding.

Also, not allowed to be considered, anything Gothic or physically dangerous such as skydiving or riding a big roller coaster while saying vows. l put the kibosh on the physically dangerous weddings. If I am going to spend money on dresses for her me, they are not going to be ruined by projectile vomit which will undoubtedly make its presence known when I jump from that airplane or fly upside down on the coaster.

Naked Weddings I bet you didn’t think these were popular, but guess what? They are, and more resorts are offering nude wedding packages. I am happy to announce that my daughter has no interest in a nude event. While I am relieved about this, I have to admit a naked wedding shows true commitment. If you are willing to marry a person after you him or her standing upright in daylight, it is true love.

I think when the time comes, my daughter will choose a more traditional wedding approach. But I have already informed her that if she shows one sign of becoming a Bridezilla, she is on her own.

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