Women and the Art of Parallel Parking | HumorOutcasts

Women and the Art of Parallel Parking

April 25, 2011
By
Hello, I’m David Attenborough. Well, not really it’s me Deb but I thought this article would be better read in the narrative voice of Mr. Attenborough. Welcome to my show, “Exploring the Unexplored and Nonsensical.” Today we will venture into territory never explored before by man – Women and the Art of Parallel Parking. A fascinating exploration of how women maneuver a large automobile into parking spaces too small to accommodate a shoebox. I find this astounding skill fascinating!

We will usually find this elusive being in their natural habitat – a well populated down town city’s shopping area. Wait, I see one approaching now; a beautiful specimen! Watch as she sizes up the space mentally measuring the area. Next she adjusts the parking mirror, giving a swift glance at her makeup and with the speed of a humming bird applies an additional application of lipstick.

Lining the automobile parallel with the car directly to the right of her she stops. Her eagle eyes scan for oncoming herds of cabs, busses and mopeds. Confident, she makes her move.

Barely grasping the steering wheel with her left hand she maneuvers her freshly manicured right hand to the back of the passengers head rest, she turns her body and slowly begins to backs into the space. Out of no where a rogue male texting darts behind her automobile, oblivious to her and the traffic. With the speed of a jaguar she puts on the breaks and utters an ancient verbal chant, “Dumbass-Dumbass-Dumbass!!” This mantra seems to calm her. She re-adjusts her position and again continues to slowly back into the space. Coming within the width of a gnat’s wing she lines the back of the automobile to the rear automobile’s bumper. She pops the car into drive, move it up ever so gently . . . she is 5-inches from the curb and exactly 2-ft of space in the front and back of the automobile. Brilliant!

As reward for this extraordinary act of skill she pays homage to the parking meter with tokens of triumph and starts her hunt for footwear and handbag. Like a cougar she storms the door. Her eyes catch a glimpes of something red. She approaches slowly then pounces on the perfect pair of 6 ½ open-toed Jimmy Choo slings with matching bag.  She sneers and hisses at anyone foolish enough to take them away from her. After the transaction she clutches her spoils from the hunt and heads back to her automobile.

A foreign object catches her eye. A white rectangular form adhered to her windshield. She cautiously approaches the paper intruder. Removing it slowly she lets out a primal scream that could be heard throughout the metropolitan jungle. A message reading “Expired Meter-$50 Pay in FULL!” This initiates another ancient ritual; the stomping of the feet, shredding of the message and tossing it into the air as a sacrifice to the shopping Gods. She heads back to her uptown abode to lick her wounds.

That ends our show for tonight. Next week we shall explore, “Men and Their Aversion to Fuzzy Toilets Seat Covers.”  Thank you for watching “Exploring the Unexplored and Nonsensical“, this is David Attenborough, I mean Deb, saying goodnight.

Deb Martin-Webster

After a successful career in Art Administration, at Temple University/Tyler School of Art, Deb has taken on a new challenging career as an aspiring writer. Author of short story A Hot Dog Stand in the Himalayas Deb has written her first novel published by HumorOutcasts Press titled, Love, Montana. A quick read crossing the genres of contemporary western romance and travel adventure with lots of witty humor thrown in the mix. Also check out Deb's popular HO series Friday Humor Devotional. It's prayer with an attitude.

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9 Responses to Women and the Art of Parallel Parking

  1. jack_sass
    May 7, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Fuzzy Toilets Seat Covers??? The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end! The humanity, standing to pee in the wee hours of the morn, forgetting to hold the damn seat up in a sleepy haze, hearing the sound as a stream of urine goes from water to fabric. Oh God, the wife is going to kill me! No, for the love of all that’s holy, no Fuzzy Toilets Seat Covers! I beg of you! 😉

  2. lbwoodgate
    April 26, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    ha, ha. Loved it Deb. Oh, BTW. You know the girl in the picture is driving her pimps car don’t you? What gave it away? The big fluffy dice hanging over the mirror.

  3. Theresa Wiza
    April 26, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    In my driver’s ed class (decades ago), I was the only female in a car with two students and the teacher. I was the ONLY student who could parallel park. Fun read!

  4. Deb Martin-Webster
    April 26, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    LOL Thanks all I loved writing this story as much as I love David Attenborough!

  5. April 25, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    I only parallel park about once every couple of years. I remember the basics but it could be better with more frequent practice. Fun read!

  6. Mayor Lund
    April 25, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    I’d be more then glad to go Parking with the girl in the photo! Do you know if she leaves hickies?

  7. April 25, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    I’ve lived in the suburbs all my life, so I can’t parallel park worth a damn. Like Donna, I need a car that can parallel park itself.

  8. chiguy10
    April 25, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Actually, I kind of like fuzzy toilet seat covers. Fun read!

  9. April 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    I used to be a great parallel parker. But alas, vertical parking lots killed my skill. Read my post. I want one of the new cars that parallel parks itself. Now, that is smart technology! Great read Deb!



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