Ten Tips for Making a Ten-Item List | HumorOutcasts

Ten Tips for Making a Ten-Item List

April 26, 2011

A list: After you print it, roll it up and smoke the damn thing!

We all like lists and we particularly enjoy lists that contain ten items. This undoubtedly comes from the fact that we humans have ten fingers, thus allowing us to easily keep track of ten items. Eleven items, for instance, would require a third hand, or perhaps a foot, and then it starts to get really confusing. Occasionally, you may come across a list of only five items. This may be due to one-armed list makers.

Anyway, here are ten tips on making a ten-item list:

1. Choose an interesting topic on which to make a ten-item list. Be careful! Without an interesting topic, your list is likely to end up being nothing more than a nonsensical collection of mindless drivel.

2. List your items in ascending or descending numerical order. This allows readers to easily keep track of how many items they have read and how many items are left to be read.

Examples: 1, 2, 3, etc. or 10, 9, 8, etc.

Note: 1 through 10 numbering is essential when giving directions. Haphazard numbering could lead to disastrous results should you be giving instructions on, say, creating a pipe bomb.

3. Drink a couple of beers, or, if you prefer, smoke a doobie. This won’t improve the quality of your work, but it will make the entire process much more enjoyable. 

Caution: Combining beer and pot is not recommended as you will likely fall into a coma and wake up a few hours later drooling on your keyboard.

4. Okay, now that I am awake, I shall resume with tip number four; which is: Clean your keyboard. Drool mixed with Cheetos may result in the keys having a dingy orange hew.

5. Skip number five and go back to it later. Take it from me; number five can be quite difficult. In fact while making this list, I skipped it and went on to the others, then returned to it and still this is the best I could come up with. So be warned: Number five is a bitch!

6. Have a sandwich. I always get hungry about halfway through making a ten-item list. 

7. Feel free to fill your list with fluff. The important thing is to come up with ten items and if that means including irrelevant information, so be it! Yes, this seems to contradict tip number one; but by the time you reach the last few items on your list, you will be getting desperate. 

Example: I once made a list of my ten favorite books of all time. Unfortunately, I have only managed to make it through eight-and-a-half books in my life, so item number ten was “Pepperoni Pizza.”

8. Be sure to review your list making certain that you did not accidentally repeat any items. I did that once and was nearly laughed out of the ten-item list making community.

9. Be sure to review your list making certain that you did not accidentally repeat any items. I did that once and was nearly laughed out of the ten-item list making community.

10. Finally, chek you’re speling and gramer.

Now that you are armed with these handy tips, there is no reason why you can’t sit down at your keyboard and start banging out a ten-item list.

Good luck and enjoy the weed!

Frank Mucci

People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2015 and winner of the 2013 Nobel Prize for Literature, Frank likes to make up shit about himself and state it as fact. Here's some actual NOT made up shit about Frank: He is the author of "An Incurable Disease: Memories, Observations and Ravings from a Baby Boomer Cub Fan," available in print and for Kindle at Amazon.com.

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6 Responses to Ten Tips for Making a Ten-Item List

  1. Mary Oberg
    May 29, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Glad you are here and that I can read your funny articles again!

  2. lbwoodgate
    April 26, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    can I just enjoy the weed and pretend I wrote a list?

  3. April 26, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    I’m glad you explained why some top 10 lists only have five items! This has always bothered me, but now I think it is due to people making lists ON their hands! Since you need one hand to write, you only have room for 5 items on the other hand. On the other hand, I could be all wet!

  4. April 26, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    What should I use to clean my keyboard? This Cheetos-drool mixture is really gross.

  5. Theresa Wiza
    April 26, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Thank you. Now I know how to write for those “top 5” or is it “top 10” list sites 😉

  6. April 26, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Beer and Doobies? Nice combination except for the drooling. They need to make a doobie that stops drooling. I think that would go over well.

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