It’s true! The Hallmark Channel in the United States of America KNOWS how to send birthday wishes to dead people.
Why, just today, for example, on my FaceBook page, Hallmark Channel USA contacted me to tell me that for a mere “Like,” I could send B-day wishes to the one and only Lucille Ball! Lucy would have been 101 TOMORROW!
OK, they didn’t actually contact me. A paid advertisement appeared on my screen telling me I could Like them and they would send the wishes, so naturally I Liked it. Why wouldn’t I? It was for LUCILLE BALL!
Then again, why would I? Am I so gullible as to believe that by merely pressing Like, I am actually reaching Lucille Ball and that she will actually receive my wishes?
But even more curious, HOW do they do that? And why only the USA? Why would the USA exclude other countries from contacting the dead? Suspicious, I say. Very suspicious.
We were the first country to actually land on the moon, and now I think they’re hiding some very sensitive information that would allow the citizens of the United States to contact dead celebrities. Elvis sightings will rise from the dead as surely as the Phoenix rose from the dead. It’s all a little frightening.
50 years ago, if a message crossed my television screen telling me that by calling a certain telephone number I could send my wishes to dead people, I’d have wondered if Rod Serling was connected somehow. And I would have wondered why I would want to contact dead people I’d never met. I can see contacting dead people I knew, but celebrities? Come on! Didn’t they get stalked enough when they were alive?
I can see Lucille Ball now, running from the birthday cards. Noooooo, they found me. Leave me alone! I’m in another body now.
What? What did I just write? Well, yes, think about it. If Lucille Ball reincarnated into another body, who would get her birthday wishes? This is serious, Folks. We can’t just randomly send out birthday wishes to dead people if we don’t know for sure that they haven’t become somebody else, can we?
What if Lucille Ball is actually Debra Messing now? Sorry, no, that’s impossible. Debra only played Lucille Ball, and she was not even 21 when Lucille Ball died. But Lucy has been dead since April 26, 1989. Why bother her now? Who knows who she might be?
I say, let dead celebrities rest in peace or dead paparazzies will be sneaking around the afterlife photographing them reading their birthday wishes.
Aha! I think I know the evil intentions behind Hallmark’s birthday wish campaign. It’s a conspiracy! – The new generation of birthday cards will include photos of dead celebrities reading Hallmark cards we sent them through FaceBook!