Judge John Hurley, the Mikado

The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.

While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)

So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:

Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
Go to Red Lobster.
Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.

After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.

Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like:

Roe v. Wade

If I had the power to create my own Supreme Court Dream Team, the Supreme Dream Court Chief Justice would be John Hurley, and the other eight seats would be filled with each attempt to clone John Hurley like the room full of Ellen Ripley clones in that Alien movie that we pretended not to see and Joss Whedon pretended not to write.

That said, based on the Bray’s domestic violence case, I believe that the abortion debate would have been long settled before Komen dipped their pink, boob-shaped toes into that septic pool. A Hurley ruling would have ended in “Jane Roe” (Norma L. McCorvey) being sentenced to carry her child to term and take it to Chuck E. Cheese. If the magical trip to an arcade pizzeria did not resolve the mother and child’s differences, then a postpartum abortion would be granted, just like if Joseph Bray decides to finish what he started after bowling an 83.

**The People vs. Larry Flynt (a.k.a. Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell)**

As a comedy writer, First Amendment case-law as it pertains to parody is very important to my livelihood. I would only entrust it with the legal wisdom of the Honorable Judge John Hurley.

I am confident that Judge Hurley and the line-up of his decreasingly decaying clones (except for the earliest and grossest one who recused himself from the case) would find in favor of Larry Flynt, provided he first set up the dream date his magazine described as Jerry Falwell’s first time: in an outhouse with his own drunken mother. This way, it couldn’t be libel, and Jerry Falwell could take out his frustration by chokeslamming his mom into the cushion of partially-digested corn and Sears & Roebuck catalog pages below.

The People of the State of California v. Michael Joe Jackson

The question in Judge John Hurley’s mind would not be about Michael Jackson’s guilt of molesting a minor, but would (rightly) be whether drinking at home, albeit a very lavish home with an amusement park and video arcades, could be considering “going out.” After a lengthy deliberation of riding the Ferris wheel and petting the animals at the petting zoo, Hurley would come to the conclusion that what Michael and Gavin Arvizo had was a fairytale relationship and order them into counseling.