The History of Bacon

Hundreds of thousands of years ago, as early man was still finding his way, an amazing thing happened. It was at the time an incredible coincidence, but a coincidence which would set man upon a technological explosion never before seen to that point in history.

What happened, according to some clay tablets found at the bottom of an old dresser, was a terrible thunderstorm with massive lightning strikes which amazingly struck a herd of wild pigs which were sleeping on their backs. The result was a large swath of charred pork. The sizzling meat smell wafted throughout the land, intoxicating all of the locals within 10 miles.

Oh, how they feasted. They praised the gods for giving them fire. Yes, they had to this point already been familiar with fire from lightning and discarded cigarette butts. But they had not yet to this point discovered its full potential until this very moment. Until this fabulous day, they had only cultivated fire for use in the hilarious fart-lighting party trick. But once they smelled and tasted this “bay-kan”, they could not get enough. Soon they were domesticating fire and chasing pigs with every ounce of their energy.

And once they ate all of the pigs in the vicinity, they had to travel farther and farther to get their precious bacon. And this necessity brought about the invention of the wheel for transporting the delicious bounty. Until that moment, they had something of a wheel, but it was more of a square shape, and they actually called it a brick. They had rejoiced in their wheel, but had never found a really good use for it. Now with the discovery of bacon, it could be used to fashion a simple cart, and to smash another man’s head if he tried to steal his bacon. This additionally led to the construction of roads for moving bacon.

And yes, once they tasted it, they fought over the meat, and this continued the technological revolution into weaponry and bacon defense. But soon they became tired of just bacon all of the time, and in no time they were domesticating chickens in order to make a sweet bacon and egg sandwich. Later, it was decided that a slice of cheese would be just the ticket to top things off. Soon they were breeding cattle and developing dairy products.

But there was never a really good way to handle all of the greasy fingers without needing to wipe them on a neighbor’s fur. Hence wheat production and soon after, the biscuit. The arch soon followed, as shelter was needed because no one likes soggy bacon. These advances ultimately led to the formation of the glorious city of Atlantis, which flourished for many years until the Great Pig Famine. At that point, dwindling bacon supplies led the civilization to collapse, as the once-cultured citizens discarded their science, philosophy, and poetry… and returned to their former nomadic ways in search of more bacon.